Have you every worked in Retail? It sucks...the customer is 'always right', but in reality, they are usually stupid fuck ups who want things done their way and can't understand when it doesn't happen...
Customer: Hi yeah I'd like to return this blouse...I never wore it Me: If you didn't wear it, then where are the tags? Customer: Oh they fell off... Me: So the tags that were fastened to the shirt, they survived being shipped all the way from fucking China, but managed to fall off when you left the store Customer: Yeah Me: Ok, whatever, but it still looks like it's been worn....look there's a stain on it...what is this? Customer: That was on the shirt Me: No, I'm pretty sure it's jizz, it's white and certainly smells of passion Customer: WHAT?!? no that's not what it is, it must've happend in the store Me: Listen lady, it looks like jizz, smells like jizz and certainly tastes like jizz, so don't bullshit a bullshitter, ok? Customer: I want to talk to a manager (And that's how I got fired)
Anyway this scenario seems to be quite common and this employee at Radio Shack had enough... "a customer was trying to return an item Sunday. But the employee said no. The customer then requested to speak to a manager. "That's when the 52-year-old male employee began punching the man"
Free face punches with all returns...ass grabs with all purchases
At least the employee didn't promise the customer anything and then not deliver, then it might have made the news...
There is a well known stereotype out there that people of African descent tend to like fried chicken. We always take stereotypes with a grain of salt, as you should too, because they are usually based on factual information and blown way of proportion. I for example am half Italian, but I do not secrete olive oil or Garlic and have never had to do a thing for a guy. However, as this video shows, it's not a stereotype when it's true:
Hard to believe that people drove and took cabs across the state, to receive discounted chicken...and were outraged when it wasn't delivered...I've never wanted something on sale so badly that I would go out of my way to save 4 buck, but I wasn't genetically dispositioned to enjoy something this much...Best part of the video has to be the fact that Popeye's advertised the sale as a "Payday Sale", encouraging customers who just received their pay checks for the past two weeks to come in and buy chicken...
A little known stereotype apparently, is that people of this decent closely follow Irish folklore, but no one is certain as to why?
With the massive recession we've been rocked with lately, cheerleaders across North America have had to re-organize and contemplate their roles in business and society- and through discussions with teams and their unions- decided they are best to "cut to the chase" and not to circumvent the trophies they are truly after in the guises of "sport", "competition", "sportsmanship" and "cheer":
gimme a... cock! gimme a... cock! gimme a COCK!
In actuality, the noisy hen pictured is helping to cheer on the USC Gamecocks, Div A sports team... but we can dream can't we? Now that's really no fun, why did I have to write that?
A 28 year old man has shot and killed a 24 year old in Chicago when a heated game of Call of Duty went sour. The girlfriend of the latter showed up on the scene and found the game still running, the victim still clutching the controller and with a shotgun wound in the back of his head [and, we can only assume, nerds chirping the "newbie" for his lack of attacking or even moving for that matter, coming through the television set]. While these actions are inexcusable I do vividly recall tomahawking a Sega controller (one of those special ones for small hands and extra buttons to boot!) into a TV screen and turning the just-finished upset beating of Bob Probert at the hands of little Darren Turcotte into the real life version, tears streaming down my upset young face... did this just become a post on NHL 93 for Sega Genesis? IKEEPSITRAL.
The ASSOCIATED PRESS reports police in Ohio say a 14-year-old girl was dancing topless at an Akron strip club when they raided the bar. Akron police conducted the raid Friday night at the Playhouse bar and arrested four dancers. Police Lt. Rick Edwards says officers saw some dancers make contact with customers, but not the 14-year-old. He says the club is not licensed as a sexually oriented business. The girl has been placed in protective custody. The bar’s owner and manager have been charged with illegal use of a minor in a nudity performance (our specialty, really) and with child endangering. We thought this was a good time to note that in Akron, 2008's sex case convictions totaled 57, compared with the high of 150 in 2002 and the average over the past decade of 104. Among the 57 cases, 22 was for the lesser crime of gross sexual imposition (again, without making light of this... this sounds like a great Saturday night, am I right?). Also to aid officers in fighting crime, the city became the first in the United States to have officers trained and equipped with the kick-ass high-tech Israeli gun CornerShot and that Summit County is long reputed as the "Meth Capital of Ohio." Statistics show that it is due mainly to Akron, which in between 2006 and July 2008 totalled 86 meth sites of the county's 102, far exceeding every other city.
Last night our beloved Flames lost to Chicago in a disappointing series, seeing them get bounced live for the third time in four years really kicked me in the balls. So much so that I seriously considered taking a bereavement day from work...So i wrote this song to the tune of 'Crying' by Roy Orbison, if you don't know the tune you can find it here
I’ve been cheering all year long Watched you fuck up a 14 point lead But I saw you last night I held my hands so tight As you were down 3-0 Oh, I wished you wellBut I could tell That I'd soon be crying Crying over you And like that you were gone Left me so lonely in the ‘dome Alone and crying, crying Crying, crying
It's hard to understand But the way you play (so soft, so gay) Can start me crying I thought that you could force game 7 But it was too good to be true, so true It hurts even more Than it did last year But, Flames, what can I do? For you lost again And I don’t know when I’ll stop crying over you
Yes, you’re one and done And, for the next month or so I'll be crying, crying Crying, crying As I will have to hear it from the ‘Nucks
The marketing folks at Pepsi have clearly run out of ideas, they must have wasted them all getting Jimmy Fallon, Diddy, Brit Spears, Reggie Bush...etc to appear in their commercials. Now it seems that Pepsi is releasing a cola that is made with actual sugar not HFCS (or fake sugar for the unemployed out there) and calling it Pepsi Cola 'Throwback'. I guess they are trying to appeal to the 'Urban' crowd and those who start sentences with 'when I was your age' with that product title.
Like Coke Classic, just not synonymous with being mixed with Rum, Rye or Jack....
Anyway what's left at this point, we've seen Clear Pepsi, Diet, Pepsi max, new cans, new logos, that shitty Blue Pepsi that burnt your throat for days and now a Pepsi that was made like it was 50 years ago. If this Pepsi is so appealing, then why isn't it made with sugar to this day? Why did they change it? To be more fatty? Do Pepsi execs carry cards made of jerky as well? I hope that this gimmick fails as well and Pepsi just leaves the product as is and stops pretending to be anything but the redheaded stepchild of cola...
Performing comparisons is an integral part of life, whether it be the quality of sex you are having to the quality of sex you used to have, the quality of women/men you are picking up for one night stands compared to what you used to pick up or how much it burns after said one night stand, compared to what it used to. Anyway comparisons are a big part of sports as well, most often when a trade occurs, because you can see directly how each player impacted their new team and make evaluations to see who 'won' the trade. ABC did one of these comparisons during a game on Saturday, evaluating a blockbuster NBA trade between Detroit and Denver for Chauncey Billups and Allen Iverson. It would be a fair comparison had both players been PLAYING during the playoffs, which Iverson wasn't...in fact he missed the final 2 weeks of the season due to a back injury and hasn't played since...well done ABC, well done...
They ran out of columns, but the last few were going to read
House Arrest Parties: Iverson 1 Billups 0
Banned from Casinos: Iverson 35 Billups 0
Jail Sentences: Iverson 1 Billups 0
Rap Albums Cancelled due to lyrics: Iverson 1 Billups 0
Kicked wife out of house naked: Iverson 1 Billups 0
Threaten to retire because he wasn't starting: Iverson 5 Billups 0
Gone on rants about 'Practice': Iverson 3 Billups 0
Started Cornrow trend: Iverson 1 Billups 0
Petitioned team to change practice time, due to hangovers: Iverson 1 Billups 0
Arrested at '17': Iverson 1 Billups 0
You just can't put a price on the intangibles folks
The Rangers bench boss, Torts, was kicked out of a game against the Caps in this years Stanley Cup Playoffs and was ironically replaced by this classy fellow for game 6...
Here's another article out of Australia and what a coincidence it has a Mob feel to it as well. For those of you who aren't aware, to send a message in the movie The Godfather Don Vito Corleone cuts off the head of Jack Woltz's prize horse and puts it in his bed while he is sleeping in it as an attempt to "make him an offer he can't refuse", and in this story there is a similar occurrence except substitute horse's head with shark and bed with front of newspaper.
"A live shark dumped on the doorstep of an Australian country newspaper office"
A shark? That sounds like an offer he can refuse...
In the article it states that no one knows why the Shark was dumped in front of the building, but I like to think that someone wrote an article that a local mobster didn't like and wanted to send a message so he put like a live great white on the doorstep of the paper hoping that it would attack anyone associated with the article. But instead he put a tiny pussy shark that didn't scare or attack anyone, because sharks can't live and attack outside of water, so no one was killed and the mobster just looks like a fuck up now...
This one is for those lovebirds out there...just this past weekend two people in Saanich (sounds classy I know) up'd the bar for romance everywhere as they were caught having sex in a dumpster. I've often thought about it, but just never had the stones to actually go through with it and have sex on top of other peoples leftover food, diapers and used syringes. I guess I just haven't found Mrs. Right yet.
Her: Yeah I can see that your naked, can't we just do it in the alley instead? Him: The alley, that's sick...people could see us
I am assuming there is a perfectly good reason that this couple went through and got freak nasty in the dumpster. The first and most logical reason is that they were vagrants rummaging through the dumpster for an after panhandle snack, and just thought 'Fuck it, let's have sex at the dinner table'...the second, the guy was in desperate need to get laid so he got a prostitute, realizing he didn't have any money for a hotel room, he came up with the next best thing...the third, the guy is married or lives with his girlfriend and couldn't bring the inebriatedskank he just wheeled outside the SAAN store back to his place, so he told her 'he knew a place' and carried her into the dumpster...and lastly, and hopefully this is the actual reason, the girl was just insanely horny and really wanted to fuck Oscar the Grouch...
I came across this news piece out of Australia today, describing a murder of a Chinese man from just over a year ago. We generally don't like to make light of someone being murdered, but the picture accompanying this article was too astonishing not to post. It seems that this victim upset the wrong people, as the bodies discovery has Mob Hit written all over it. The man went missing early last year and was found in a "...marshland in south Sydney, wrapped in a carpet and bound with electrical wire." That however is not the astonishing part, what is however is that the man's head had be shot 34 times with a nail gun...I guess the first 20 didn't really kill the guy dead enough and the shooter really felt a final 14 would drive home his point. (A nail pun....ahh too soon?) Here is the x-ray of the departed's head...
Think he had a splitting headache?
Needless to say, don't fuck with this mob, I'd rather be shot once by any other gun on the planet then meet this demise, that is of course excluding the dildo gun, but still....
A few weeks ago we touched on Eminem being nonRAL and it was namely due to his latest video...but then we got to thinking are any music videos RAL? Or good even? We came up with the simple answer no but we felt we should explain as to why we feel this way….Music videos are directed by the world’s shittiest directors known to man, they must be, if they were any better then they would be directing Jason X instead of two minute ‘mini movies’ shown sparingly on MTV, MuchMusic and whatever else the kids like these days. With that being said music videos generally fall into these categories…
Break up/Heartbreak Story – nonRAL: Usher – Burn, all Backstreet boys prominently found in R & B, pop and country videos, where one party is scorn, which is conveyed to the audience by them sitting alone and looking at a picture or staring aimlessly into space or out a window or looking at a cell phone call, and yearns for their love to return. Almost always features rain, you know to symbolize tears or depression or some shit, in the hip-hop and pop world also punctuated by slick solo dancing including the spinning of fedoras one one’s hand while a Britney look-alike showers or some palm trees spontaneously combust.
Amateur video footage – nonRAL: We couldn’t think of any because they aren’t memorable Laziest and cheapest way to make a video, a look into the artists life on the road and how goofy/normal they are…”hey look that guy with the perm in Nickelback just stuck licorice up his nose and ate it....I do that shit too! Maybe I should get a perm and start servicing men” Going in you know the shit is all choreographed, because if it was real the video would be sold at stores with signs that read XXX…have you ever read an artists biography? On the road all they do is fuck strange whores, often together, and do blow/heroine of said whores asses, if they showed this vid they would’ve gotten their own write up as to why they are the RALest band of all time…
Look what I have – nonRAL: All Rap videos RAL: Birdman and Diddy – if you’re going to do it this is how, there’s a fucking jet ski in the pool…& Jim Jones – Ballin remix – they pour buckets of cash onto each other.. G-Dep – Special Delivery (Remix) – Look at Ghostface Killahs chain and eagle bracelet During the late 90’s and early 2000’s flaunting in a Rap music video made you a millionaire, so everyone did it and nothing else…each video had to feature cars parking in front of a mansion, gold bottles being popped, cash being thrown at the camera, jewelry and countless numbers of scantly clad hoes…it appeals to the ‘Cribs’ demographic and I use to lap that shit up, I realize now that the money isn’t real, the girls are all paid and the cars and house are all rentals and even though they a black all the artists have to have tiny Johnsons to need that shit to prove they are cool…
Club scene – nonRAL: All Usher vids, Fiddy – In Da Club Usually accompany club songs, , only question is what clubs are they going to? Any time I go to a club, whether it’s in Vegas/Thailand/Papa New Guinea, there are inevitably going to be more men then women in attendance and at most there will be about 4 rockets in the entire place, that are being hit on by each of the abundance of men surrounding them…however you look at an Usher video and every fucking girl in there is a 6’7 supermodel and the only guys in there are the ones doing a choreographed dance with Ush on the dance floor. If I went to any club like that, I wouldn’t be dancing around with a bunch of guys wearing Heely’s, I’d be passed out from having a full jer and would probably be charged with 12-29 accounts of sexual assault…
Mini Movie – RAL: Thriller Estranged – GNR, nonRAL:Wild Wild West – Will Smith Thriller started this phenomena, it is a great music video don’t get me wrong, and in the 80’s the make up and choreography must have blown people away, but there are still parts of it that why if the beasts are so interested in harming this girl do they do nothing but dance around her for 3 mins? Are they serving her? Is this supposed to frighten her? If a gang walked up to me and demanded my wallet and then started a 5 min dance session in front of me, I don’t know that I would be scared so much as I would be creeped out and try to slink away slowly before they held me down and touched me…it of course lead to more mini movies that are even worse, 3 min songs that turn into 12 min vids and usually feature excessive storylines where everything is lost in translation and have nothing to do with the song. G n’ R was at the top of their game right around the time that the mini-movie was all that and it’s easy to say that they did it to a tee… Axl was just sitting back one day sucking a fag and thinking about what would become their mini-movie video trilogy (November Rain, Estranged, Don’t Cry)… “I need a wedding scene where Slash does a wild solo in the desert after and then it starts fucking thundershowering on the reception and people are jumping through cakes n’ shit and my rocket wife ends up dying. I need to be shaking uncontrollably in no less than 2/3 of these videos, whether I be naked in a laboratory, in a snowstorm, or on a shelf in my mansion… I also need to show all of our hottest current hoe’s watching the vids as they play, in a domestic dispute over a cliff in a muscle car (again in the desert) with our lead guitarist, I also need to be swimming with dolphins and jumping off an ocean liner… also need frequent pans of my favorite hangout, the Rainbow Bar in Hollywood, actually could I get more smoking and domestic disputes there? Slasher also needs to solo on top of my piano, in the Pacific Ocean, on the roof of skyscraper and after driving his bitch of a cliff.”
We had more categories as well, but we didn’t want the post to be too long, and got lazy and drunk, something I like to call drazy...anyway here’s some other videos that are so terrible that they don’t require a write up…
So I came across this product today that might be the easiest way to tell someone you like food...alot. It's a business card made of beef jerky, that has your information lasered onto it...
If you work in the jerky industry then this is the greatest thing that has ever happend to you, if you don't however then you might have a problem...let's say you're a small business owner, how do you explain that your card is made of salted meat? You could probably get really excited explaining that all your info and shit was lasered onto it, banking on whoever you are giving it to really enjoys Star Trek and the laser reference will give them an erection...but that will probably only happen 2 or maybe 3 times a year (alot of people like Star Trek, must be those hot Klingons) other then that you probably won't impress anyone else. Unless of course you deal exclusively with the morbidly obese, they will like anything that can suppress their feelings...
The guys who make South Park clearly don't give a fuck, they will light up anybody at anytime and obviously don't care about what anyone thinks...and to us that is RAL. In this clip they go after the egomaniac that is Kanye West, claiming that he is a 'Gay Fish' after a joke that was mentioned on the show. I think they are just trying to get across that Kanye is gay, but creatively like the guy who wrote "Scale Bustin Babes 18"...and I know what you're thinking, but look me in the eye and tell me that film's plot of heavier set girls trying to get plugged wasn't just ostensive and that it wasn't really about the reunification of Germany...you can't do it, you just can't....anyway he's that clip I was talking about earlier
19 year old Aussie Stephanie Naumoska is vying for Miss Universe and got some people riled up about her vital statistics: "1.8 m (5 ft 11 in) tall and weigh[ing] just 49 kg (108 lbs), had a body mass index of just 15.1, well under the official 18 benchmark for malnutrition." The Pageant director Deborah Miller said brunette Naumoska had Macedonian heritage, which accounted for her extreme thinness. "They have long, lithe bodies and small bones. It is their body type, just like Asian girls tend to be small," Miller said. Does Macedonia exist? Is that a magical kingdom where hot skinny little brunettes run around with lithe bodies? What is lithe? Is that word only uttered in Macedonia? Where am I? Cheers to Miss Surrey 08 for keeping it RAL and knowing her way around a ham... and a hog....
Let's just start by confirming, that that is, indeed, a gold eagle perched on his wrist in the form of the world's most ballin' bracelet. I mistook his neck bling (hanging down on lap) for an Arabian dinner plate, but you can clearly see it swinging in Killah's various music videos, proving that it is overwhelmingly large and carries some weight as well... the kicker? His real name is Dennis Coles. But going by Dennis doesn't get you into the Wu Tang Clan, all the hoes you can wear out, gold eagles perched on your wrist and the ability to write lines like "The Rhinestones in my Flintstones look crazy in my sweater"...Ghostface Killah does and as you can see it's good to be Ghostface
If I do another album, i could have TWO fucking eagles...one for my cock!
Oh and it also gets you a deal with Mattel...yeah that's his doll and even at 1/16th the size, his bling is still bigger then yours
Finally I've made it big, I downloaded this app for my iphone called 'Awesome Facts 2009' and one comes across the screen that reads "The smallest penis ever recorded is 5/8 of an inch"...I don't mean to brag or anything, but that quote right there is about yours truly...so here's to all those haters out there who voted me "least likely to succeed," first I made that list of sexual predators in my area and now this...you can argue with results fuckers
You know any hot 20 year olds that go to the local supermarket with nothing visible but a shirt and some high-heeled sandals? IKIR gives a nod to Vanessa Hudgens (and her legs), a chick that has the braun to put up with fellow High School Musical star (read: huge pillow-biter), Zac Efron... the two even dated for a bit (nonRAL) but just put that out of your mind. If you didn't know, she got in a little trouble with Disney at the tender age of 18: "On September 6, 2007, controversy erupted after provocative photos of Hudgens surfaced online. Two showed her posing in suggestive lingerie, and another showed her nude"... they didn't mention that she was just out to pick up some eggs and flour.
- 2008 - ranked as FHM's 62nd Sexiest Woman - 2008 - Maxim's number 12 in their 100 Hot List - 2008 - People's annual "100 Most Beautiful People" list in - 2008- ranked #20 in the list of Forbes "High Earners Under 30" - 2009 - ranked #61 in AskMen.com's Top 99 Women
Nothing says Sexual dynamo like having a fake eye that references an early 90's sci-fi flick...nothing...Ladies if you saw this guy at the bar, how could you even think about containing yourself? If I saw him I doubt I could myself back, I mean an eye like the cyborg in T2? So hot... T2 eye Guy : My eye can glow red, what can yours do?
Other guy: The simple task known as vision...
T2 eye Guy: I'll be back
Other Guy: good one
Best part is in the article it states that he wants a camera in there...so then he'll be unbelievable hot and practical, being able to make sex tapes at any moment of the day, he's the perfect man really...my question is why stop at the eye? Why not stick one of those glowing red balls in your genitals? It might look like a really active herpe, but it can't look any worse then the one acting as a fixture on his face
This is embarrassing for human kind, two men (read: men, not 12 year old girls) broke the all time texting record, combining for 217 000 sent texts in a month…they did a test to see that they could send 6000 or 7000 texts on a good day, which must have been difficult seeing as they must spend a lot of time D&Ding and in each others asses, and tried to send as many texts as possible…
You're right, this IS just like docking...
I am a texter, mainly because I am essentially a telemarketer during the day and when I write something I have time to prepare quips, but this is sad...I could see if they broke the record while trying to work that effortless late night booty call, with texts like "You like to party?" at 4 am to every girl on your list...but it was stated in the article that most texts were "lol" and "hi" to each other, which qualifies these guys as nonRAL of the week and for a nonRAL of the year nomination
Detroit is the RALest city on the planet, no one there is employed, it's the per capita murder capital of North America and one of the world's fattest cities...it's so RAL in fact that even women’s breastesses can deflect bullets...
OK fine, Germany keeps it RAL (to a lesser extent) as well
"The woman, who lives on the West side of Detroit, saw a group of men breaking into a neighbor’s house on Tuesday morning. When the men spotted her, one of them fired a shot at her...The bullet struck the underwire on the woman's bra and that saved her from a more serious injury, police said."
I've never worn a bra or anything like that, ok one time, so I have to wonder what is the underwire made of? Lead? Recycled GM cars? No wonder breasts can lead to back problems...I was always under the opinion that the girls I was feeling up were just in really great shape and I never fully understood the bag of sand reference in 40 year old virgin, but now it appears they have been duping me for years (since age 4 so 19 to be exact) stuffing their bras with materials that can stop bullets...liars....and I like how the instant reaction to seeing someone witness you performing a robbery is to open fire on them, way to turn a larceny charge into attempted murder...
As you can probably tell from reading this site, I'm not going to be participating in any spelling bees anytime soon, but me misspelling penile jokes pales in comparison to what the Washington Nationals jersey manufacturers did just the other night...
I swear there is an 'O' in Nationals somewhere...I've seen players names misspelled before, but that's only one jersey, not 30...I can't believe no one noticed this, but I guess that's the byproduct of having your jerseys made in a country where they speak 'engrish'
Also I thought this would be a rare occurrence, but apparently it is not:
A lesser man woul have made a hooked on phonics reference here
So some wiseass scientists at the University of Leicester decided to do a test to see if 'Beer Goggles' is a viable excuse for going 'Whale Hunting' and your friends conducting a 'fat dance' (you know the one where you stick your arms out as wide as possible, puff out your cheeks and and slowly rock back from one foot to another) until the novelty wears off...Apparently alcohol also doesn't affect our ability to judge a woman's age or, according to this study, how hot they are, as the test subjects were given pictures before and after getting drunk and rated the girls less attractive after downing a few...So all those times you've found yourself saying "I thought she was 18" and (while wasted) "I think you're beautiful..." are lies and you knew the whole time....pervert
Blame it on the Grim...it's your only hope to end the lifetime fat dance chirp
I personally find this report devastating, like Jamie Foxx, I could always blame it on the liquor when I woke up next to girl and had to offer her bus money to leave, you know before the roommates woke up...but now I realize I knew the whole time so I will take this time to apologize to the following ladies:
Monique, Kim, Kathy, Geraldine, Svetlana, Angelika, Shaniqua, Kim, Glenn, Lisa, Whitney, Kathryn, Kiera, Lana, Sherry, Leslie, Tina, Sheryl, Monica, Allison, Megan, Shelia...it turns out I knew what you looked/felt like all along and I apologize for being so shocked/terrified/disgusted when I woke up and should've never ran away crying/threw up/told you I was gay/told you I was a woman/kissed that guy to prove I was gay/said I thought you were a prostitute/told you I was blind the next morning pretending I was too drunk to know what occured the evening before...
The Detroit Lions shocked the world with their futility last year, becoming the first team in the history of the NFL to go 0-16...yes you read that correctly they won 0% of their games and got blown out in most of them, so what did they do to combat last season and right the ship if you will? Sign a high profile free agent? Make a blockbuster trade to acquire some pieces to move forward? Nah...that would make sense, rather they changed their logo to make it look more fierce...because all Championship teams know that the logo is really the key to success, not all that on the field bullshit like talent and putting forth a strong effort every week...
So here's to the Lions going 0-16 next year as well, then they'll realize what they really need to change, their team colors and name...then nothing will be stopping them from a Superbowl in 2011
Eds Note: Here are a short list of teams that need to follow in the footsteps of these pioneers of success to get things back on track...
Detroit Red Wings - Tire logo? Are you kidding me, don't they know the Big 3 are going to fold? Those 4 cups in the past 12 years were a fluke, they need like a totally more badass tire with wider treds or some shit...then they'll go 12 for 12
New England Patriots - The mildly pissed off face of a 'Patriot'? What type of logo is that? The Patriot should be so fucking mad that anyone who looks at him shits himself, instantly...then maybe Tom Brady would've never gotten hit or Eli would've collapsed in fear opposed to breaking that sack and fucking up their perfect season.
Boston Red Sox - Two dangly little socks? How does that strike fear into the hearts of anyone? And 'Sox' is spelt 'Socks', illiteracy isn't acceptable in a college town that thinks so highly of themselves. They should have fucking knee high socks with beady eyes...then it's no-no's for each pitcher everynight...
San Antonio Spurs - Really a Spur? That's it? Why not have a bleeding horse from being spurred? Most NBA players don't know what a Spur is anyway, as there are no horses in Compton, so just show what a Spur does and then it's 5 Larry O'Briens in 5 years...
Sometime this week we will doing a feature on music videos, what's good about them and what's bad about them kind of thing, but until then I will leave you with this gem from Bollywood...Slumdog Millionaire might have done wonders for making movies made in India viable, but I'm assuming that if this video was introduced in the 80's it would have done much, much more
And the following write-up is copied directly from www.cracked.com (A very RAL site) as I felt it was perfect, nothing I could do would be any better...
Pros: The singer is clearly a sex symbol is his own land, and gives hope to paunchy, jheri-curled men everywhere. Also, the video's a harsh reminder of everything that was good and bad about LSD.
Cons: There is only one person in the world who can dance like Michael Jackson without looking like a seizure victim. We'll give you a hint: It's not this guy. Also, we're not afraid to say it: All the zombies from the third row on back are pretty much just phoning it in here.
Highlight: Around 2:47 he breaks into a horrific leg-locked dance-walk with a hideous twitch:
When he first twitches, you think something's gone horribly wrong with his nervous system, but then he does it a couple of more times and you realize he's doing it on purpose.
Conclusion: A pleasantly zaftig imitator makes up for his paunch by bringing the whole affair in at a svelte three and a half minutes.
I got a text during the Canucks game informing me that there were advertisements featured at both ends of the ice in the St. Louis Blues arena for or Casino Queen: Home of the loosest Slots. This is probably the best casino advertisement off all time as it can attract both players and non players alike. The players will like the increased chance of winning, while the non players might get confused and think that the Casino is soliciting some sort of prostitute, and an easy one at that! I personally prefer slots that are on the tighter side, but if I've had a few drinks I stick my quarters in just about anything...
Ejaculating
And upon further review of this Casino it seems that they also have an RV lot...you know you have a problem when you don't want to stay at a hotel-casino, but you'd rather drive to it and sleep in your motor home....
I can't believe I almost missed this one, apparently a Quantas flight (great airline by the way, particulairly when you get wasted in LA and have to board an 18 hour flight to New Zealand, they take good care of you...) had to do an emergency landing because some snakes got loose in the cargo hold, just like that Samuel L. Jackson movie...you know the one where he says 'Motherfucker' all the time...Loaded Weapon
They always put so much ice in these drinks
"Twelve baby pythons were packed on the Boeing 737-800 in the outback town on Tuesday, but when it arrived in Australia's second biggest city there were only eight"
However it wasn't mentioned in the article as to whether or not how many snakes and people were killed during the flight or how many tiny dogs were thrown to Anacondas, but I hope it was some as it would be the perfect instance of life imitating art...or in this case life imitating an absolute masterpiece
I'm not what you call the religious type, I once asked who the guy on the 't' was in a religious school, but this new establishment in London is doing it's best to convert me into a believer. Apparently it vaporizes gin, one of three things I drink including Grim and a drop shot I created once that gets you drunk for three days, and you pay $7/hr to just sit there, breathe normally and get fucked up...also the body condoms in the picture are included in the Sev buck, so you get a fashionable garment as well...
If there was a sports book inside, this would be my heaven
It wasn't stated in the article on how much more effective vaporized Gin is in making panties drop, but considering what drinking in a bathtub alone does to you, I'm going to assume it's alot...and on that note this place will be crawling with perverts in no time! I should book my flight, I'll fit right in!
Roger Millions is the Flames color guy who often interviews players during intermission and pre and post game. He is also the most biased Flames fan of all time and apparently keeps it very RAL
We here at IKIR like the Calgary Flames, and with their playoff series starting tonight you will surely be hearing about them every other day, if you don't like it then let us hear about it in the comments section and if you do then let those who don't hear about it in the comments section, and enjoy this bit of nostalgia in the meantime...
Having watched Blow last weekend, I think I know a thing or two about drug trafficking, namely that it's rather easy and can be somewhat of a fun game testing just how many condoms full of coke one can shove into their anus...but there are still people out there who manage to screw it up, like these two guys in Spain who got pinched for mailing Hash to the wrong address...
We should check the box for hash...and sign for the delivery as well
Now I'm no Pablo Escobar, but if I'm mailing something important I check the address at least twice and if I'm mailing drugs I'd probably check three times...it seems that the package also included "wine, sausages and cakes in addition to the hashish, police said in a statement." so obviously it was meant as the after dinner entertainment for whoever they were sending it to and because it was 21 ounces I am also going to assume that it was a fucking great dinner party
This post is about the Philadelphia Flyers "secret weapon", Kate Smith. How RAL is a team that becomes known as the Broadstreet Bullies and have a singer that is dragged out on the ice to sing and them to a 76-20-4 record with "America's second anthem".
When the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team played her rendition of "God Bless America" before the game on December 11, 1969, an unusual part of her career began. The team began to play the song before home games every once in a while, and the perception was the team was more successful on these occasions, so the tradition grew. She made a surprise appearance at the Flyers' home opener to perform the song in person prior to another game against the Toronto Maple Leafs on October 11, 1973, and received a tremendous reception. The Flyers won that game by a 2-0 score. She again performed the song at the Spectrum in front of a capacity crowd of 17,007 excited fans before Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals on May 19, 1974, at which the Flyers clinched their first of two back-to-back Stanley Cups, winning that playoff series against the Boston Bruins 4 games to 2, with Bernie Parent shutting the Bruins out 1-0 in that game. Smith also performed live at these Flyers home games: May 13, 1975, where the Flyers beat the New York Islanders by a score of 4-1 to win Game 7 of the Stanley Cup semi-finals, and on May 16, 1976, before Game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals where the Flyers lost to the Montreal Canadiens by a score of 5-3 and were swept by Les Canadiens in that series. The Flyers' record when "God Bless America" is played or sung in person stands at a remarkable 76 wins, 20 losses, and 4 ties.
Little did Philly fans, or most people in general know (to the best of my knowledge, I wasn't around in the 70's) that she also had a little gem of a song called That's Why Darkies Were Born (America's third anthem?)... now we would jump all over this as racism (nonRAL) but when you actually read the lyrics, it seems like Smith is touting the black American as an hard-working unsung heroes, at least that's how we'll interpret it.
So this guy in Kenya (Not pictured) did a little role reversal the other day and bit the Python that was squeezing him, potentially to death...the snake hauled Farm manager Ben Nyaumbe into a tree, where he struggled with it for hours trying to get free, and he had no choice but to bite it. Upon biting it the snake loosened his grip enough that Ben could make a phone call for help. (Really they have cell phones in Kenya?) Either way, for not justsuccumbing to a painful death this guy keeps it RAL
This story is quite similar to a little game I like to play called "I slip you a roofie and three hours later the only option you have for escape is to bite the python (or two) that is engulfing you"...what can I say I like boardgames...
This guy was never taught that it isn't polite to use your teeth
It was also mentioned in the article that later "The snake escaped from the three sacks it was bundled into." This is also part of the aforementioned game, except substitute 'snake' with 'cum'
Previously on this site we explained that Hulk Hogan and his family's situation was potentially incestuous and very odd...two things that classify as nonRAL. But Hulkimania running wild has done gone and redeemed himself, with this quote about his ex wife's current sexual situation, involving a 19 year old that looks like her son:
I would like to call to the stand a character witness...HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN!
"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."
I'm going to do this to your throat with these 24 inch pythons, you stupid bitch....
YES! This is the first time someone has had the cojones (read:Testicles) to agree with OJ and promote cold blooded murder of an ex spouse...not only is the guy a Real Americanbut now he is RAL as well
Combined 400 lbs, 1% body fat and 2 inch Johnsons'...
Check this cast list for the movie coming out in 2010 The Expendables…I can guarantee that the plot doesn’t make any sense and the acting will be just slightly better then that featured in a high school adaptation of Legally Blonde: The musical (It’s real I came across it when I was searching for barely legal, blonde and bald) but who cares? With action juggernauts like Statham and Jet Li, former UFC Champion and WWE Champions, a guy who played Marv and the bad guy in Double Team and TWO steroid users (Schwarzenegger and Stallone) you know you’re going to see a lot of explosions, diving into water, shirts optional, veins, throats being ripped out, children being tossed into fires, a very very high body count and tons of blood…all which happen to be very RAL
I’m no too sure about the characters names though Lee Christmas, Barney Ross, Hale Ceasar, Dan Paine….who the fuck came up with those? Guys who name wrestling characters? Or action hero’s in the 80’s? They nailed Dolph Lungren's name with 'Gunnar' and Jet Li's as well with the ever so racial Boa, but other then that they are nonRAL. Where are the good old days when action heroes were named John with an unreal last name like John Rambo, John McClain, John Spartan and John Matrix or something Italian like Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti, Joe Tanto, Machine Gun Joe Viterbo? Not named after Purple children’s characters and holidays jewish people can’t celebrate….
Sorry, that's a terrible title. But it's that time of the year again where all of us north of the border tune into the Stanley Cup Playoffs and get our fill of hockey that is laden with fuller beards, unlikely heroes, checking, grinding, shot-blocking, but most importantly an increase in heckling. This clip takes us back to 1991 where the Penguins faced off against the North Stars for the cup that year, rough transcript provided below for your added pleasure. What happened to these characters you ask? Stevens drank from Lord Stanley's Cup and then as Time.com reports...
"On Jan. 22, 2000, his career sank to uncommon depths. After a game in St. Louis, police found Stevens in a seedy motel with a prostitute, her pimp, a bottle of Crown Royal, drug paraphernalia and the remnants of an eight-ball of crack. While his arrest was carried off without incident, the then New York Ranger didn't endear himself to his female companion. "I'm a crackhead, but he's a crack monster," the prostitute told police, complaining that she "couldn't get high, I was having to light his pipe so many times."
Stevens: Get off the fucking ice you faggot Stevens: Bellows you must be really hurt Stevens: Get off the ice Stevens: Get off the ice you pussy(ref skates by indicating Stevens and Trottier need to calm down) Trottier: You’re the best, you’re the fucking best Stevens: Lay on the ice like a bitch Trottier: You’re the fucking best, you’re a fucking superstar Stevens: You lay on the ice…(leans closer to bellows)…lay on the ice like a broad you pussy, (Trottier in background repeatedly saying “Bellows you’re the fucking best)(Bellows flexes stick uncomfortably) Trottier: You fuckin woman Stevens: You’re a little fucking puke Trottier: You got some fucking balls you little tit fucker
Commies are funny people, North Americans don't know much about them, other than the fact that they drink, where they live is often freezing cold, they wear funny mink hats, they fold in the playoffs and thanks to the education of Top Gun, we used to be at war with them. But apparently they know how to party as well..."Three off-duty Russian policemen were fired on Monday for driving drunk through Moscow's Red Square in the early hours of the morning, dressed in their police uniforms."
Artist's depiction of Red Square at time of arrest...
If I was going to drive around drunk in one of the most famous tourist sites in the world, I probably wouldn't rock my police uniform, or if I had to I would at least make up some story about chasing a perogie thief through the quad and into the gymnasium and then into Red Square, but fuck it to each their own. These guys obviously keep it RAL putting their careers at risk just to get drunk and drive around, but it shouldn't be viewed as uncommon as demographers "Russians are some of the world's heaviest drinkers (RAL)...often cite high alcohol consumption as a factor in the low life expectancy of Russian men." (Ed's not: Demographers life expectancy can't be the highest either with the lack of sex and fun and all)
As you might have noticed the advertisements on this site have recently changed, they aren't nearly as subtle and are no longer exclusive to 'Hip Hop Grillz' and Jewelery, but now feature full page ads about casino sites and some kind of online gaming community...and of course there is a reason behind this...
It's funny, only pictures of handlebar mustaches and fellatio come up in this search engine
It seems that we were clicking on our own ads, when we signed a contractual agreement not to, but we were doing it to line our pockets and didn't care about the consequences (ie: keeping it RAL)...so google cut as off and now we are banned from their advertisements for life...
So add google ads to the list of shit we can't be a part of, along with Urban Dictionary, for doing what we do
Getting hit in the crotch is one of the worst pains in the world, when it happens time slows to a stand still, you can’t see clearly and even though you want to start right hooking everything in sight, you can’t even get the power to stand to do so…With that in mind it should be noted that no man should ever do what Ray Allen does in this clip, he once played a guy named Jesus in ‘He got game’, but now I think he’d be more suited to play a guy named cocksucker…
It should be noted that Anderson Varejeo must have testicles of steel, or the world’s smallest Johnson to not even flinch after the hit...and that he is nonRAL for just holding his arms in air opposed to ACHUCKALUKAN’ing (See Raltionary for definition) Allen…
Have you ever been driving with your significant other, or some prosi you just picked up after minutes of negotiation for you ugly people out there, and thought ‘This driving gig is fun and all, but it would be that much better if I was having sex right now’? Well this couple was thinking that as well and chose to act on that thought...while going 30 kms over the speed limit…RAL
It seems that they only got caught because the car “…was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say (Having rough sex for those who don’t follow)"
Are those two having sex? We should get closer to watch...I mean...oh I don't care I'm so alone
And figured it was veering only because "He couldn't see much because her back was in the way” If this guy pulled anal while driving, he deserves an award…
"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know." I have an educated guess, because sex feels good, speeding feels even better and breaking the law is such a fucking rush it makes me want to put a lit cigarette out on my thigh, so combine all of those factors and we should be asking why more people aren’t doing this all the time…
And finally it was noted that “After following the couple for nearly a kilometer, officers pulled the car over at a service station.” Who is this guy Ron Jeremy? A km while traveling at 133km/hr, that’s about 2.2 km per minute, so he was having sex for 30 seconds…I feel sorry for the woman, she must have been sore…
So I stumbled across these pictures while surfing the net today and I wasn't sure as to whether I should be aroused, or disgusted that I just became sexually attracted to the female version of Carrot Top...
Ok so like, I didn't even know, it was so crazy, I like saw this guy that I used to date and like I couldn't believe that he didn't even recognize me, all because I like got a new nose and am totally in shape now and everything, and I'm also dating the Apple guy, or I was at least, I think I still am, and like can you even believe it? I mean look at these abs, I'm almost 50....
I think we can all agree that Kathy Griffin is yolked (in good shape for those of you who don't speak Gym), and if you took away her head/voice you would have one of the hottest 49 year olds on the planet...but then there's still the uncanny resemblance to this:
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So here's to the Lions going 0-16 next year as well, then they'll realize what they really need to change, their team colors and name...then nothing will be stopping them from a Superbowl in 2011
