A RAL look at music videos

A few weeks ago we touched on Eminem being nonRAL and it was namely due to his latest video...but then we got to thinking are any music videos RAL? Or good even? We came up with the simple answer no but we felt we should explain as to why we feel this way….Music videos are directed by the world’s shittiest directors known to man, they must be, if they were any better then they would be directing Jason X instead of two minute ‘mini movies’ shown sparingly on MTV, MuchMusic and whatever else the kids like these days. With that being said music videos generally fall into these categories…

Break up/Heartbreak Story – nonRAL: Usher – Burn, all Backstreet boys
prominently found in R & B, pop and country videos, where one party is scorn, which is conveyed to the audience by them sitting alone and looking at a picture or staring aimlessly into space or out a window or looking at a cell phone call, and yearns for their love to return. Almost always features rain, you know to symbolize tears or depression or some shit, in the hip-hop and pop world also punctuated by slick solo dancing including the spinning of fedoras one one’s hand while a Britney look-alike showers or some palm trees spontaneously combust.



Amateur video footage – nonRAL: We couldn’t think of any because they aren’t memorable
Laziest and cheapest way to make a video, a look into the artists life on the road and how goofy/normal they are…”hey look that guy with the perm in Nickelback just stuck licorice up his nose and ate it....I do that shit too! Maybe I should get a perm and start servicing men” Going in you know the shit is all choreographed, because if it was real the video would be sold at stores with signs that read XXX…have you ever read an artists biography? On the road all they do is fuck strange whores, often together, and do blow/heroine of said whores asses, if they showed this vid they would’ve gotten their own write up as to why they are the RALest band of all time…

Look what I have – nonRAL: All Rap videos RAL: Birdman and Diddy – if you’re going to do it this is how, there’s a fucking jet ski in the pool…& Jim Jones – Ballin remix – they pour buckets of cash onto each other.. G-Dep – Special Delivery (Remix) – Look at Ghostface Killahs chain and eagle bracelet
During the late 90’s and early 2000’s flaunting in a Rap music video made you a millionaire, so everyone did it and nothing else…each video had to feature cars parking in front of a mansion, gold bottles being popped, cash being thrown at the camera, jewelry and countless numbers of scantly clad hoes…it appeals to the ‘Cribs’ demographic and I use to lap that shit up, I realize now that the money isn’t real, the girls are all paid and the cars and house are all rentals and even though they a black all the artists have to have tiny Johnsons to need that shit to prove they are cool…







Club scene – nonRAL: All Usher vids, Fiddy – In Da Club
Usually accompany club songs, , only question is what clubs are they going to? Any time I go to a club, whether it’s in Vegas/Thailand/Papa New Guinea, there are inevitably going to be more men then women in attendance and at most there will be about 4 rockets in the entire place, that are being hit on by each of the abundance of men surrounding them…however you look at an Usher video and every fucking girl in there is a 6’7 supermodel and the only guys in there are the ones doing a choreographed dance with Ush on the dance floor. If I went to any club like that, I wouldn’t be dancing around with a bunch of guys wearing Heely’s, I’d be passed out from having a full jer and would probably be charged with 12-29 accounts of sexual assault…


Mini Movie – RAL: Thriller Estranged – GNR, nonRAL:Wild Wild West – Will Smith
Thriller started this phenomena, it is a great music video don’t get me wrong, and in the 80’s the make up and choreography must have blown people away, but there are still parts of it that why if the beasts are so interested in harming this girl do they do nothing but dance around her for 3 mins? Are they serving her? Is this supposed to frighten her? If a gang walked up to me and demanded my wallet and then started a 5 min dance session in front of me, I don’t know that I would be scared so much as I would be creeped out and try to slink away slowly before they held me down and touched me…it of course lead to more mini movies that are even worse, 3 min songs that turn into 12 min vids and usually feature excessive storylines where everything is lost in translation and have nothing to do with the song. G n’ R was at the top of their game right around the time that the mini-movie was all that and it’s easy to say that they did it to a tee… Axl was just sitting back one day sucking a fag and thinking about what would become their mini-movie video trilogy (November Rain, Estranged, Don’t Cry)… “I need a wedding scene where Slash does a wild solo in the desert after and then it starts fucking thundershowering on the reception and people are jumping through cakes n’ shit and my rocket wife ends up dying. I need to be shaking uncontrollably in no less than 2/3 of these videos, whether I be naked in a laboratory, in a snowstorm, or on a shelf in my mansion… I also need to show all of our hottest current hoe’s watching the vids as they play, in a domestic dispute over a cliff in a muscle car (again in the desert) with our lead guitarist, I also need to be swimming with dolphins and jumping off an ocean liner… also need frequent pans of my favorite hangout, the Rainbow Bar in Hollywood, actually could I get more smoking and domestic disputes there? Slasher also needs to solo on top of my piano, in the Pacific Ocean, on the roof of skyscraper and after driving his bitch of a cliff.”






We had more categories as well, but we didn’t want the post to be too long, and got lazy and drunk, something I like to call drazy...anyway here’s some other videos that are so terrible that they don’t require a write up…