A RAL take on infomercials

Watching Infomercials are one of the best ways to learn about useless yet amazing products in a very enthusiastic fashion...and it's not that we don't enjoy them it's just that all have similar elements that make them infomercials...

1. Very enthusiastic host with a gimmick - If they are a chef they wear an apron and funny hat, or they have a beard or a headset or a Hawaiian shirt or are noticeably addicted to meth

Get it? I'm a chef! Just look at my hat...

2. Co host that is the most easily impressed fuck up on the planet - they don't know how to do anything right and are so amazed that whatever product is being sold does what of does "Golly Gee that knife cut that bread!!! I just came!!"

3. Audience that might be dumber/more impresses then the co host - how are we to believe that the audience isn't paid/ mentally challenged when they are blown away by everything and applaud like they just saw Elton John blow Prince (wait a minute what?)

Audience member 1: Did you fucking see that? That blender is also a cup I dont even have to fucking pour that shit into a glass?!?
Audience member 2: I know I know I'm hard
Audience member 1: What?
Audience member 2: Kiss me...
Audience member 1: Huh?
Audience member 2: Nothing...

4. Product that does something no one would ever use it for - we've seen knives that cut cinder blocks, RonCo’s get smashed by hammers and Shamwows pick up small cars "without even pressing down" but why? Who uses these products for that? Knives cut food and maybe guys fingers if they owe you some cash...not cement

Get it? I'm a meth addict! Just look at my headset...

5. The before scenario - whenever there is an example of life before the product it's always in black and white, like there is a fucking time warp back to when life was so hard, and it shows someone just struggling while trying to do the mundane task that the product addresses...and by struggling I mean doing a very simply task, but making it seem like it is the most difficult thing they have ever done in their life. This has included, but is not limited to cleaning the top of the fridge or finding keys in their purse. This is followed by a giant red X on screen and a wipe to a colorful scenario where all is well and people are using the product with such ease that their quality of life quadrupled. All because they now have an angled brush to clean the inside of their windshield...opposed to bending their arm and using their hand!

6. On the boat - almost every infomercial uses this as an excuse to appeal to peoples love of a deal, as they throw in more then one of the product at the end...but only if you call in the next 2 mins and 42 seconds...my question is how many people own boats or need these things on the boat? Shamwow good for carpets, the car, or the boat...magic bullet, perfect for drinks on the boat...magic putty, it can lift a boat!

7. The unveiling of price - this one plays into the audience and retarded co host as well...when the host tells them the price and how much extra cloths/knives/children souls they get and for such a small price, everyone gasps and is so stunned it's like they just saw Elton John blow Verne Troyer (why do I keep going back to that?) and then they give a standing ovation

9. Real customers interviews - so convincing it's not even fair

Customer: Since I got Oxy Clean I can literally shit my pants and not have to worry about it staining..
Host: Do you find yourself shitting your pants often?
Customer: Well more then I'd like to admit

10. Products with no use - some infomercial products are great don't get me wrong, but some just don't make the grade. Those wrap around shades that go over glasses to block out the sun, are just sunglasses that make a person look both slow and blind, probably not worth the three easy payments of $19.95.

After I take out your liver I promise to slow cook it to retain the flavor...
Set it and forget it!