North Korean Satellite Radio launched; crashes in Sea of Japan

Kim Jong-Il, pictured numerous times in varying state below, lost his satellite that was to beam radio to the people of North Korea recently. At this news, we assume he peeled his clothes off and started cracking tallboys (RAL). Confused Korean opponents of the new radio services seemed to be burning posters of Roy Orbison, ikeepsitral reports.

Does this look like public enemy #1?

I'm a busy man Hans

I was alright, for a while, I could smile for a while...

RAL – Ref packs yellow card, red card and 9 milli…

So this ref in gave a player a red card and ejected him from a soccer game, naturally the player and his teammates lost it and started rushing the referee. The ref, feeling a threat to his health, “..ran to his patrol car to get his gun after players mobbed him for showing the red-card to one of them...” (he was a cop, which makes it slightly less RAL because he had easy access to a piece, but more RAL that he would still pull it out even though their would be immediate consequences) and started squeezing off warning shots. Not surprisingly the players stopped harassing the ref and started rolling around on the ground as if they were slide tackled…

Pistolaribtrul
by hutaisij

Also RAL showing the heat you’re carrying, to the TV cameras, letting them know what you’re about.

Flames Fanatic goes beyond Keeping It Real...

From Globe and Mail Sports...

"COLUMBUS, Ohio — Police say a passionate hockey fan made physical threats against the Columbus Blue Jackets in a series of phone calls to the team's arena during a game.
Columbus Police Sgt. Rick Weiner says 52-year-old Peter Stenzel was arrested Thursday and charged with inducing panic for threatening physical harm against the team during their win over the Calgary Flames. Weiner says police traced the phone calls to Stenzel's Columbus home, where they found him wearing a Flames T-shirt. Police would not say if specific players were targeted or what the threats entailed."

We're picturing buddy looking something like:

Maybe not:

What a beauty, we love when a fan shows that kind of passion, especially in the opposing team's rink and/or city. There is a lot left to the imagination here, so we're gonna say he phoned up the Blue Jackets dressing room and requested Rick Nash "I'm gonna slit your throat punk" "Uhhh who is this?" "Don't worry about that, just know that you're a dead man. Is the invisible man there?" "Excuse me, who?" "That tall fairy, Huselius. Is he there? I'm going to douse his house in kerosene and burn it down with his family inside. You guys going to make the playoffs for the first time in history? Not if you're all DEAD ha ha ha ha..." *click*

A RAL take on infomercials

Watching Infomercials are one of the best ways to learn about useless yet amazing products in a very enthusiastic fashion...and it's not that we don't enjoy them it's just that all have similar elements that make them infomercials...

1. Very enthusiastic host with a gimmick - If they are a chef they wear an apron and funny hat, or they have a beard or a headset or a Hawaiian shirt or are noticeably addicted to meth

Get it? I'm a chef! Just look at my hat...

2. Co host that is the most easily impressed fuck up on the planet - they don't know how to do anything right and are so amazed that whatever product is being sold does what of does "Golly Gee that knife cut that bread!!! I just came!!"

3. Audience that might be dumber/more impresses then the co host - how are we to believe that the audience isn't paid/ mentally challenged when they are blown away by everything and applaud like they just saw Elton John blow Prince (wait a minute what?)

Audience member 1: Did you fucking see that? That blender is also a cup I dont even have to fucking pour that shit into a glass?!?
Audience member 2: I know I know I'm hard
Audience member 1: What?
Audience member 2: Kiss me...
Audience member 1: Huh?
Audience member 2: Nothing...

4. Product that does something no one would ever use it for - we've seen knives that cut cinder blocks, RonCo’s get smashed by hammers and Shamwows pick up small cars "without even pressing down" but why? Who uses these products for that? Knives cut food and maybe guys fingers if they owe you some cash...not cement

Get it? I'm a meth addict! Just look at my headset...

5. The before scenario - whenever there is an example of life before the product it's always in black and white, like there is a fucking time warp back to when life was so hard, and it shows someone just struggling while trying to do the mundane task that the product addresses...and by struggling I mean doing a very simply task, but making it seem like it is the most difficult thing they have ever done in their life. This has included, but is not limited to cleaning the top of the fridge or finding keys in their purse. This is followed by a giant red X on screen and a wipe to a colorful scenario where all is well and people are using the product with such ease that their quality of life quadrupled. All because they now have an angled brush to clean the inside of their windshield...opposed to bending their arm and using their hand!

6. On the boat - almost every infomercial uses this as an excuse to appeal to peoples love of a deal, as they throw in more then one of the product at the end...but only if you call in the next 2 mins and 42 seconds...my question is how many people own boats or need these things on the boat? Shamwow good for carpets, the car, or the boat...magic bullet, perfect for drinks on the boat...magic putty, it can lift a boat!

7. The unveiling of price - this one plays into the audience and retarded co host as well...when the host tells them the price and how much extra cloths/knives/children souls they get and for such a small price, everyone gasps and is so stunned it's like they just saw Elton John blow Verne Troyer (why do I keep going back to that?) and then they give a standing ovation

9. Real customers interviews - so convincing it's not even fair

Customer: Since I got Oxy Clean I can literally shit my pants and not have to worry about it staining..
Host: Do you find yourself shitting your pants often?
Customer: Well more then I'd like to admit

10. Products with no use - some infomercial products are great don't get me wrong, but some just don't make the grade. Those wrap around shades that go over glasses to block out the sun, are just sunglasses that make a person look both slow and blind, probably not worth the three easy payments of $19.95.

After I take out your liver I promise to slow cook it to retain the flavor...
Set it and forget it!

Japanese baseball fans keep it RAL

Here is a story out of Japan (that would probably be considered odd to us, but par for the course over there) where it seems that a few baseball fans disliked an opposing baseball teams player so much they took in out on a statue of a man who wanted nothing more then to make the world a fatter place.


"A statue of the KFC mascot has been found in a river in Osaka...nearly a quarter century after being tossed in by crazed baseball fans who felt the image of restaurant founder Harland Sanders resembled a key team member."


Now if you are anything like me, which I hope you aren't as the things you see when you close eyes will leave you sleepless for weeks, you pictured thousands of baseball fans fleeing a stadium after a big loss, looting, flipping cars and fighting police en route to the main square in Osaka to tear down the statue of the best player on the other team...only they found a smiling colonel Sanders statue and decided 'fuck it, he's white tear him down'....

We all look the same to them...just as they do to us


*The KFC chain currently operates about 1,160 restaurants in Japan, and has about 1,000 Colonel Sanders statues in the country. WTF?

RAL Sports - Bob "Probie" Probert

Every Mondy, Ikeepsitral will feature a new sports figure who keepsitral. This week... Bob Probert. Widely known as being one of the best, if not the best fighter and enforcer to ever play hockey, in 16 NHL seasons he fought 285 NHL fights with a record of 176-50-59 and many enforcers considered him the toughest and most feared fighter in the NHL and with an un-matched penchant for running the goaltender. He also kept it RAL off the ice, in 1989 he was arrested for cocaine possession while crossing the Detroit-Windsor border. He served three months in a federal prison in Minnesota, three more months in a halfway house, and was indefinitely suspended from the NHL. While playing for the Detroit Red Wings in the 1980s and early '90s, Probert served a prison term when he was caught trying to carry cocaine into the United States from Canada. He also had an alchohol problem and was charged with numerous driving offences. Probert was placed on inactive status for the 1994-95 season after he was involved in a motorcycle accident and tests showed alcohol and cocaine in his system. In 2004 Delray Beach police officers spotted Probert as he parked his white BMW sport utility vehicle the wrong way on a downtown side street and began hanging out of his window to yell at several men just before 1 a.m., officers said. Four officers intervened when Probert, a native of Windsor, Ont., got out of the car and tried to start a fight with one of the men. He then fought with the officers and refused their orders to drop to the ground, the report said. As two of the officers struggled to handcuff Probert, one officer shot him with a Taser gun and he fell backward. But Probert resisted their efforts when they tried to handcuff him, so the cop used the Taser to stun Probert several more times. The gun shoots barbed probes that give the recipient a usually non-lethal but incapacitating shock. After Probert was shocked, officers handcuffed him and took him into custody. "He was so combative in our jail that we didn't take a booking photo of him because we didn't want to struggle with him again out of handcuffs," police spokesman Jeff Messer said. Probie lives the RAL lifestyle to the fullest.

Probie Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Probert

Blazer: Check…Bad Ass Face Tatty: RAL