Public Porno....RAL

Here's a story out of Germany about the most aggressive public display of affection (or should I say erection!) know to man...exhibitionism! Apparently a "nurse" got onto a famous Big Wheel in Munich with two other men and some video equipment when "The 21-year-old suddenly disrobed and produced a sex toy that she began to use while the other two filmed her"...unfortunately some people ratted them out and this romantic night out was ruined and all three were arrested for indecent exposure...narcs

I'll have to see your credentials....and by that I mean breasts

RAL Chicken Takeout

This really needs no explanation...this place used to be called "Royal Chicken". With the new man in power in the White House, he decided to re-brand his restaurant to reflect the change...in the RALest way possible.

Interesting menu...no grits?

NonRAL Man of the Week: Michael Vick takes up smoking rock in prison…

He must have, or he’s the stupidest fuck on the planet…he certainly wasn’t the best QB in the league prior to becoming public enemy #1 and going to prison for dog fighting, but now he thinks he can still “… earn as much as $10 million a year or more” and be one of the highest paid players in the league. The guy couldn’t even hit an open man 10 yards down the field and he wants 10 mil a year?!? He knows he took part in a ‘hobby’ that celebrates the killing of man’s best friend for financial gain, right? That makes him less popular then the fat kid who swims with his shirt on….he’ll be lucky to be signed by the Raiders or the Sikh-F-L (it has been labeled this due to the players making such a paltry income, they have to live with a Sikh family) with his tarnished reputation…All that prison sodomy must’ve clouded his judgment…

A-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli a-milli-ma-milli, yeah that's right, 10 o' those.

semiRAL Siblings - The Sutherlands

Not often do you come across identical twins of opposite gender, but the Sutherlands manage to pull this one off. Kiefer is the star of the "24" TV series, where he keeps it fully RAL and he also keeps it RAL off screen spending time in the joint in between seasons of his hit TV show. His twin sister on the other hand focuses on more important things such as getting her adams apple removed.

(This photo was not edited...honest!)

RAL Ticket Payment

Is there anyone one earth who receives a ticket from the fuzz and immediately thinks of ways to pay it in the most asshole form possible? I know I do (along with wishing the death of everyone associated with giving me that fucking ticket...who cares about the transit fare you fake cop). Anyways a Washington man feels the same anger I do, and decided to do something about it. He went to the bank and got 20 600 pennies ($206 USD for you math geniuses out there), put them in a zip lock bag and pissed into it. He then proceeded to send the payment it, complete with some urine still in the bag. The authorities did not accept the payment, but for doing what I've always wanted to do...this guy kept it ral.

Link: http://www.autoblog.com/2009/03/26/streaming-mad-206-in-urine-soaked-coins-is-not-acceptable-paym/

Priests add theft to laundry list of criminal offences

Priests have a shitty life, they can’t have sex, they have to wear cloaks and their lives revolve around some guy who hangs out on a ‘t’, Jebus or something…anyway these two priests were tired of living their modest lifestyles and decided to embezzle 8 Mil out of the church.

“John Skehan and Francis Guinan were accused in 2006 of skimming money from collection plates and bequests at their church in Delray Beach, Florida, and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on real estate, travel, rare coins (What? Why?) and girlfriends.”

Take, thy Father, into thy mouth son

Seems to me that these guys had it figured out; they had very low living expenses and no real need for excess, but decided they could get it so fuck it why not? And they also figured out that they were 64 and 79 respectively upon arrest and that copious amount of money and lavish goods and vacations are necessary at that age to pick up skanks. The one thing they didn’t know though is that unless you are trying to impress 12 year old boys, rare coins won’t get you anywhere…oh wait. At least in jail they will be the Alter boys for a change….

D. Rodman keeps it (a little too) RAL on Celeb Apprentice

I may as well come clean right off the bat and admit that I tuned into Celebrity Apprentice last night, fortunately for those out there that think that's lame, they haven't seen the aforementioned 6'8" NBA cross-dresser act as a team leader wearing <-- and getting LP'd (loser-pissed) on multiple vodka-cranberries (ordered while rubbing hands together and mumbling "another vodka cran up my ass please"- on national television) and assisting/accosting/...accompanying his hotel guests and dining with them at Tao while the likes of Clint Black, Jesse James, and some other black athlete sweat it out checking people in and out and whatnot. Dennis was good enough to show up day 2 and lay on the hotel couch (presumably very hungover) with his Ed Hardy Jacket thrown over his Ed Hardy hat and Ed Hardy sunglasses and wallow in his own shame while guests streamed past him. Long story short, his team almost won- largely on his customer service- but he was fired in front of both teams with about half the other contestants reminding him repeatedly that he has a drinking problem (he fought this with "I've won 5 NBA Championships" and something like "I'm easier to coach than M.J.") and with AA.org flashed on the screen along with the credits... maybe Rodman kept it a little too RAL... especially as his antics made others cry.

RAL Husband - Guy slips some meth into wife's water

A Seattle area man was arrested last Friday for spiking his wife's water with methamphetamine. Now before knowing the full story, you might consider this a rude and despicable act, seeing as the woman was breastfeeding their child at the time of the meth ingestion, but the motive for doing this is the entirely RAL part...he wanted to give his wife the energy to clean the house. This is beyond RAL, not only forcing the mother of his newborn to continue on with house cleaning, he meth'd her up so she'd have the energy required to complete a thorough job, most likely while he was out at a buddies house doing additional meth...this guy keeps it RAL.

Thanks to Mardi E. for sending this in...RAL

I knew it...

So a few weeks ago I posted a rather entertaining article on infomercials, if I do say so myself, and in that article I alluded to the shamwow guy being a meth addict. While you can start calling me Ms. Cleo, or Clee's for short, as this weekend took steps to show the world that I was right and assaulted a hooker! Apparently she was a $1000 hooker who wouldn't stop biting his tongue so he was forced to beat her off (haha) in self defense. Now you might be thinking 'just because he had a physical encounter with a female hooker, doesn't necessarily mean that he is a meth addict' and sometimes you might be right, but in this instance it couldn't be more glaringly obvious....just look at these signs...

1. He's known as the Shamwow guy - anyone would need to dull themselves with sweet lady meth if that's their claim to fame.

2. He is older then he appears - He's 44 and this is what his life has become.

3. He is full of erection inducing energy - How can anyone be that excited that you can wipe your arm off without using pressure?

4. He is a least an F list celeb but still needs to buy women - Anyone who is on TV as much as this guy, in 30 second intervals but on TV nonetheless, should be able to walk up to any 4.0/10 girl and take her up to his room....for free

5. This is his mugshot - Where's the gel fauxhawk asshole?


6. He has blonde tips - You're 44 right? The meth has obviously altered his perception to make him think it's still 1998

7. Check out his shirt - Honestly a fur lapel blazer and a polka dot esque shirt? He has to be high to think those would match...I mean I wouldn't know anything about matching clothes I work out I swear.....

By the looks of the pictures it seems that Mr. Shamwow got the worst of the confrontation as well, but don't feel too bad, the hotel there were in probably used his product to clean up the room, and that is what you call the circle of life...

Flames Fanatic goes beyond Keeping It Real...

From Globe and Mail Sports...

"COLUMBUS, Ohio — Police say a passionate hockey fan made physical threats against the Columbus Blue Jackets in a series of phone calls to the team's arena during a game.
Columbus Police Sgt. Rick Weiner says 52-year-old Peter Stenzel was arrested Thursday and charged with inducing panic for threatening physical harm against the team during their win over the Calgary Flames. Weiner says police traced the phone calls to Stenzel's Columbus home, where they found him wearing a Flames T-shirt. Police would not say if specific players were targeted or what the threats entailed."

We're picturing buddy looking something like:

Maybe not:

What a beauty, we love when a fan shows that kind of passion, especially in the opposing team's rink and/or city. There is a lot left to the imagination here, so we're gonna say he phoned up the Blue Jackets dressing room and requested Rick Nash "I'm gonna slit your throat punk" "Uhhh who is this?" "Don't worry about that, just know that you're a dead man. Is the invisible man there?" "Excuse me, who?" "That tall fairy, Huselius. Is he there? I'm going to douse his house in kerosene and burn it down with his family inside. You guys going to make the playoffs for the first time in history? Not if you're all DEAD ha ha ha ha..." *click*

Entertainment Tonight as he tries to get Inside'er... Hey-oh!

Pat O’Brien is the guy you probably recognize from Entertainment Tonight, How’d they do that? And The Insider….or if you have external genitals you won’t recognize him at all. Anyway back in ’05 P. O’Brien Kept it RAL and drunk dialed a girl and left her some cursive laced messages that he deemed were ‘romantic’. I don’t know that I would consider excessive use of the word ‘Fuck’ romantic, I usually stick to the elaborate schemes featured in “Hitch” for my romance, like this one time I jumped in front of this girls car and then sued here for all she was worth and when she was broke and homeless wooed her with my newly found fortune….anyway O’Brien did and he lost his job as a result of these messages, for a little while, but then he got it back in a reduced co-anchor role, to which he responded by sending an email throughout his company insulting the woman who took his anchor position and getting fired for good. So for fucking up a good thing twice and not really caring, P. O’Brien keepsitral…

This pic is the link, yeah we're that good.

Thanks to R.Pinder for the link, not for the clap though

RAL Man of the Week - Alfie Patten

I'm sure many of you readers have heard of this guy before, he is the English (like from England) kid who was believed to have impregnated his 15 year old girlfriend (he was 12 at the time), making headlines across the UK. First, the fact that this guy is 12 and smashing into his girlfriend is 100% RAL, so that in itself probably makes him the RAL MOW...but then he was denied this title due to the fact that instead of going budakai , he decided to lay his seed inside this chic, which I guess in understandable since I don't think you even do sex ed until you're at least 14.

What a beautiful family portrait

Also you can see in this picture, that he kept his priorities straight, he was looking after the kid, but was clearly more concerned with his current PS3 game going on, also he has his back turned to his baby's mama at the time, also RAL.

Anyways he was granted the RAL MOW since not only does he keepsitral...he is NOT THE FATHER . Good for you Alfie...for keeps'n it ral and not being the father of some 15 year old gingers kid...you are the http://www.ikeepsitral.com/ man of the week.

Woman almost loses everything; ends up just losing clothes

This woman has been hit devastatingly hard by the recession, losing her daycare business and struggling mightily to feed her family, it truly is a sad story, but fortunately she persevered and did what she had to do, and damn it I commend her for that. So you might be asking what did she do to overcome her circumstances? Well she was probably mulling her life over in the mirror thinking
‘I don’t have any skills, my life is over, I will have to sell my children’, but then as she went down to wipe a mascara filed tear off her sink she analyzed her more then impressive bust, and begin to ponder are boobie tassles the answer?......... Sorry what was I talking about? I blacked out? Why are my pants wet?....Ah anyway she became a stripper…RAL




She Ain’t a politician, mommy’s a poleitician…

nonRAL – Helping those who don’t need it

All this guy wanted to do was live off the land, get drunk, eat pizza out of discarded boxes, urinate on himself and sleep under the freeway, and then two fucking saints came out and ruined it for him. Who do they think they are? Paying a guy to advertise their site http://www.pimpthisbum.com/ for $100 per day and raising 50 gr on his behalf? The guy obviously didn’t want the help saying:

“It’s probably mostly my fault. ... I made a lot of poor choices," Edwards said, his voice trailing. "I was filthy. I just didn't feel human anymore."

That sounds like a man who knew his place in the world, just listen to him after he received the 50 gr and entered into rehab:

"…tired of laying down," he said. "I'm tired of giving up. ... This life is worth fighting for." Disgusting…

Well here’s hoping that he fails rehab and is will be back in the gutter BM’ing himself in no time!

Water Hazard

This is either unRAL or keeps it so-unbelievably RAL as to make us think it doesn't at all. Who else out there has been out on the course downing a few wobbly-pops and had the urge to tinkle? How many of you with your hand up took a leak in a bush and didn't think you needed a piss resevoir disguised as a 4-iron to do so? Me too. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't use one, build it and they will come.

When you order now you get the free green towel to cover your doodad while you stealth-piss on the teebox!

Rihanna Still not Shying From Violence...

Her new tatty is far from her best but it probably keeps it the most RAL... it's the first one, the unmistakable little gun on the ribcage... our personal fav is #3 there where buddy is getting all excited, not sure if it's 'cause she's disguising the 5-head and looking pretty hot and sassy there or the unintelligible script running down her leg that's doing it for him. The neck stars are alright as well, the jury is still out on the flying armpit triangles.

Blow My Whistle Bitch

First and foremost putting something on your car is usually nonRAL, including stickers, shiny grills and hood scoops and any type of giant exhaust system…that is of course unless it’s a whistle. That’s right, this is a story out of Oakland (kind of old but still RAL nonetheless) that features people adding metal into their exhaust line so the car whistles as it drives. That might sound nonRAL as well, but just take a look at the caliber of people who are equipping their vehicles with them in this clip, aptly labeled “Whiste Fan”….

Now you know both Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis keep it RAL, firstly 90% of their clothing is devoted to the NFL team they represent, their command of the english language is unparalleled and when asked to demonstrate the whistle just installed in their car, they almost hit a parked card, run a stop sign and another blatantly cut off another car…and last be not least there is a REMIX!

Ral MOW – Training Day

For those who have seen this movie there is no questioning its RALness, Denzel Washington won an Oscar for his role, Dr. Dre and Snoop are in the movie, there is a full jer inducing Eva Mendes scene (she’s naked!) and Ethan Hawke is in it for some reason as well…

Essentially the story revolves around a dirty cop who beat a Russian to death in Vegas, for no apparent reason (RAL), and sets up an elaborate plan to get some cash to pay off said Russians and save his life. The plan involves making Eth Hawke smoke PCP, killing a guy he considers a friend, shooting some of his fellow police officers to make a robbery look more realistic, tipping a crippled Snoop’s wheel chair over and dropping Eth Hawke at some Cholo Gangsters house to be killed and possibly have his ass violated. And all this transpires in a single day, like 24 but way more gangsta. Additionally the soundtrack is hard as fuck featuring songs from VC- Murder, Kokane and a song titled ‘Fuck you’.

So if that doesn’t make this movie RAL, then just have a look at Alonzo’s (Washington) office…

Still not convinced then check this rant which features the RALest way to demand that someone returns something of monetary value back to you…“I NEED THAT MONEY JAKE!”

Kind of a long clip but RAL throughout, including Alonzo smoking kool cigarettes, a shot to the ass and a King Kong reference…

Feel free to use this line when a friend, loved one, waiter, carney, prostitute or bank is withholding funds from you…with the last one it’s probably best to wear a mask while delivering said line.

What? We got 'em all tied up, and now you're leaving? I thought you were into this S&M thing?

A-Bomb? Try 2-Bomb!

This guy might be the RALest on the planet, having survived not one but two (!) Atomic bomb blasts, unfortunately he doesn’t have a single super power to show for it…unless you call having a tiny penis a super power! Hey-o he’s Asian! But seriously he was burnt in the first blast in Hiroshima and gave the old fuck you to the next A-Bomb in Nagasaki by showing up and withstanding that blast as well.


“He is the first one to be officially recognized as a survivor of atomic bombings in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki,"

Almost as cool as Takashi, Final Ninja?

But the whole scenario isn’t without its controversy, as the Japanese government has strong definitions as to who is considered a survivor and have “…neglected many who had developed illnesses that doctors have linked to radiation”

Can you imagine? If it went anything like this, then the Japanese government keepsitral as well…

Survivor: I was in both blasts as well and I’m still alive
Gov’t Official 1: Yeah but you have radiation poisoning, so I wouldn’t exactly call that ‘alive’
Gov’t Official 2: Ohhhh he fucking went there
Gov’t Official 3: Shit’s weak
Survivor: I wish terrible things upon your souls…

Lost NHL Hockey Card: Wellen KEEPSITRAL

Not known as much for his offensive prowess on the ice as that off the ice, the younger and lesser known Dowd reportedly only laced them up once in his NHL career with the Minnesota Wild
(0 G, 0 A, -2) before moving out to L.A. to pursue an erotic film contract.

Bertram Okeke... KEEPSITRAL

This submission is from WallyBird... he figures the mugshot of this Calgary, AB real estate agent keeps it RAL enough without some fancy entry, we concur. But just in case you weren't convinced, you should know that (apparently) his pic used to have him wearing a lime green suit, matching fedora, and with a feather in his cap (one of our editors actually remembered this dude as soon as I said "realtor" so we'll take his word on it- finding a picture of aforementioned lime suit/fedora combo wins you a free t-shirt (seriously)). Also, he got his BMgt degree from the University of Lethbridge (out of control RAL) and has his spoken languages on his website listed as 'African'... we're also guessing he speaks the language of love fluently (in various states of undress and dress- in lime and crocodile of course). Bertram, keep keepin' it Ral.

http://www.bertramokekerealestate.com/data/remax/realtors/bOkeke/

That guy's got one HELL of a load...

Cindy Crawford (age 43... wtf?) in the latest addition of Allure Magazine (which we might actually start reading now) looking not-too-shabby for approaching the half-century mark I guess. She apparently details what creams and stuff she uses in the mag for the females that are kind of disgusted that we posted it, it's for you too, whiners.

Two for the Mones...

These two guys kept it so RAL that they are a case study for the Income Tax Act in a University Law class... "The Facts" - from the original source, Canadian Legal Information Institute



[8] The appellants are two unmarried young men in their thirties or thereabouts. They graduated from high school but have no formal training in anything except for some computer courses in high school. Before their substantial lottery winnings they worked in their father’s window washing business.

[9] Brian – and perhaps Terry [Leblanc], the evidence is not clear – started playing sports lottery games prior to 1992 and it appears won a substantial amount of money either prior to 1996 or early in 1996 with which they embarked upon the involvement in betting that is the subject of these appeals.

[10] In the years 1996 through 1999 they plunged massively and with a rash abandon (love this description) into sports lotteries such as Point Spread or Over/Under. The three lottery games most commonly played by the appellants were Pro‑Line, Point Spread and Over/Under.



[11] The appellants rented a house in Aylmer so that they could play both the Ontario and Quebec lotteries. They led unusual (see:RAL) lives. They spent their time playing lottery games, watching sports on television, playing ping pong and golf, sitting around the house drinking beer and crushing Za. Despite their winnings, they lived cheaply and spent very little on material goods. Their winnings were all ploughed back into the lottery games. (Who has time to buy bling and cars and pick up honey's when you have to buy 3 hundo sport selects a day and when you're trying to become the world's richest gambling-cross-border-brother duo? And why weren't they hustling ping-pong games in Chinatown?)



Additionally they enjoyed hustling snooker (what is he a moustache'd 40 year old?): "With this background, I have no difficulty in concluding that the Appellant carried on a business of playing pool for profit. He had a system and a reasonable expectation of profit. It was his principal source of income during the years in question. He approached his business in a professional manner:"

a) He carefully managed the risks.
b) He was a skilled player.
c) He played Monday through to Friday each week.
d) He spent his afternoons playing snooker to perfect his skills. (RAL)
e) He played inebriated opponents after 11:00 p.m. to minimize his risk. (Cunty but smart).
f) He won most of the time earning, approximately $200 daily.
g) He drank alcoholic beverages only on weekends when not playing pool to give him a sober advantage over his inebriated opponents. (but if this guy is as cool as we figure, he didn't go half-assed at drinking on the weekend either).
h) He was calculating and disciplined.
i) It was his primary source of income and he relied on this steady income. (probably better than what you're procrastinating doing right now, no?)

Being RAL consists of partaking in a number of things and high stakes gambling is certianly one of them, playing the 5 buck Blackjack table is nonRAL, it puts you at risk financially and sometimes physically, it can and usually does hurt those around you and the rush is comparable to Auto Erotic Asphyxiation (You know where you have the belt around your neck in an aggressive self pleasure session...don't act like you didn't know) or docking. So for these two guys doing nothing, literally nothing but gambling or practicing to become better at gambling they must be considered RAL.

***The brilliant lawyer-to-be who suggested this case (he goes by J-Baller, go figure) wanted to mention that "they weren't the ones hustling snooker, that part of the case was a lengthy quote from another (probably equally awesome) case..." but we don't give a rip, we like our version better- read the case if you want the real story.

Google Earth RAL - 60 foot caak

Some kid in the UK found out that the satellites that take photos for google earth would be above his neighborhood and decided to decorate the roof of his parents house to ensure they'd be noticed next time someone google earth'd Berkshire UK. The 60ft unit was left of the roof for over a year before anyone noticed, in the meantime the prankster was out on a European vacation...well played...only someone who truly keepsitral would deface their parents 2 million dollar home with a huge cock

This is life size for me

BBC Story:http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm

Boston Bruins need Tuukka Rask if they're to win the Cup...

"Providence Bruins goalie Tuukka Rask will not be suspended for his stick-and-milk-crate-throwing outburst after Friday night's 1-0 shootout loss to Albany at the Dunkin Donuts Center...."

On Friday, Rask was furious at referee Frederic L'Ecuyer for allowing goals by two Albany players during the shootout... on the first, the shooter appeared to lose control of the puck far off to one side of the net before scoring. Then L'Ecuyer ruled that the second shot had entered the net for the game-deciding goal. Rask argued that it hit the crossbar. The following is why the Boston Bruins need to call up the Finnish 'tender who also happens to have the league-tying lead for wins with 30 (in other words, he keeps it RAL)...

We haven't seen this kind of entertainment from a goalie since Roy and Hextall

Living up to the stereotype…

Chris Bosh is a standup guy right? He did correspondence for Leno, won an Olympic gold and spends hours and hours doing charity work in Toronto, so he can’t be that bad…can he? Well apparently he might be as he is being sued for being a “deadbeat father who broke up with his girlfriend when she was seven months pregnant, leaving her destitute and without medical care even as she fell ill” Now I’m no fancy big city lawyer, I’m just a sex model by day and ass grabber by night, but can you even be tried as a ‘deadbeat father’? Is that a legal term? And why hasn’t every NBA player been sued on account of it?

I’m not really surprised that Bosh pulled the old ditch; she lives in a different country so it’s easier to do, she wasn’t that attractive, and one time she got into it with LeBron.

And if the NBA is anything like High school, which I am assuming it is as every player in the league is more focused on social networking at halftime then listening to their coach, Chris Bosh would be the tall ugly kid in the school constantly seeking acceptance from the cooler kids, which Lebron with lats like that, certainly is. And the first rule is of acceptance is rolling with the right crew, so a crazy girlfriend who yells at the most popular guy in school every time he walks by, in your defense, is the first person you have to get rid of. And what better way to get rid of a girl then by claiming she was sleeping around, it ruins both her reputation and her self esteem!

“The complaint, which contains allegations that have not been proven in court, says Bosh contested his paternity before genetic testing determined a 99.97 per cent probability that he is Trinity’s father.”

Ride 'em cowboy! Shoot first and ask questions later, right? Right?

nonRAL Man of the Week: J. Mays

J. Mayer usually personifies unRAL; he is an undeniable talent don’t get me wrong, but it’s the way he croons love songs about running “through the halls of my high school" while constantly looking confused and like he’s going to cry. But it's his latest actions that warrant him nonRAL man of the week. Apparently updating his twitter (Ed's Note: This is the third time we have spoken about this thing and I still have no idea what it is, can someone fill me in? is it just a live Facebook status update? Either way I know I'd rather put a cigarette out on my testicles then become a user...) instead of spending time with one of the most beautiful women on the planet, were talking about Rachel Green here.

Kutch, your body is a wonderland

"There he was, telling her he didn't have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line."

So J. Mayer is a man who’d rather let his 12 year old fans, Ashton Kutch and Charlie V., know that he’s watching LOST or then have sex with this…

Maybe he should write a song about docking and post a ‘tweet’ about it to lure Kutch away from Demi and they twitter each others assholes for years to come…

Don't you hate ties? Man I hate ties...

RAL - The Ultimate Warrior

I don't think professional wrestling is cool or RAL...but The Ultimate Warrior is the exception. This video demonstrates the effect of years of coke and roids, and how incrediblly RAL it can make you...this guy doesn't know he's acting, in his mind this is real and he will kill you.

Mike Forbess

Being a 911 operator has to be a shitty job, half the people calling in are in serious trouble and you're probably concerned for their safety, and the other half are either little puke prank callers or low ends calling for no reason. With that being said it's still not a profession where one should be trying out his new stand up routine on the clock, like this guy...



Clearly Mike Forbess keeps it RAL as he saw an opportunity for comedy and went for it, not concerning himself with the consequences as he probably deserved to be fired...

NonRAL: Professional Sports Slumber Parties

Majority owner George Gillett Jr. is looking to flog the Montreal Canadiens, which is worth an estimated $400-million ($320 M including pictured pj's), news that Gillett is trying to drum up interest in the team comes at a difficult time for the Canadiens on the ice (struggles). They face a crucial sequence of three games this week to try and solidify their playoff status, and accompanying financial windfall. Other teams say that it doesn't help when this is what their most highly-touted player looks like:

Gillett dressing Alexei Kovalev for the Habs Centennial Pajama Party

RAL – The Laugh

We here at IKIR (Yeah I acronym’d it) a number of things entertain us, including but not limited to things that are shiny, stuff we hear/read about midgets, people falling down and gay porn. And there is something about this clip that entertains the shit out of me; it could be the absolutely terrible jokes followed by the over the top laughter by the same guy who was telling the joke, the fact that the characters name is Chet Walters, the moustache that is featured on said character, or it could even be that every character in the scene has a nice rack of lamb…one thing I’ll never understand is how this movie (Beverly Hills Ninja, for those with no taste for fine film) didn’t get recognized by the Academy for Movie of the Year….

Feel free to do as Chet Walters would and use the laugh whenever delivering a “Nice Jacket who shot the couch” or “Nice shirt lose a bet?” from now on…

NonRAL... one is the loneliest number...

Here’s something that has to be up there with the stupidest ideas of all time, it’s a sicker that you put on the face of your iphone to simulate text messages being sent to you “For people who go to great lengths to see what they want to see…”. If you’re such a fucking loser that you think this is a good idea, you shouldn’t be purchasing stickers, you should be purchasing a toaster and then dropping it into the bath…or lay off the LSD…one of the two

Mine would read: OMG! Did you see who Sharon was with last night!?

Apparently Kutcher has the Twitter, unknown is if he's got the cream to clear it up...

Ashton Kutcher is probably up there with the most NONRal celebs of all time, having started Punk'd, Beauty and the Geek and some show about people's inner beauty. But this weekend he took steps to redeem himself...at the expense of his much older and much RALer wife. (She was is Ghost, which has gotten about 100 rap shout outs over the years, "Ghost like Swayze", ipsco facsto RAL) Anyway Kutcher posted a "tweet" of this picture over the weekend.

Voyeur anyone?

Now I'm no relationship expert, as most of my relationships end when I give a girl I encounter the twitter (See what I did there?!? I'm good at what I do), but something tells me that posting a creep shot of your wife bent over followed by written posts that read "shhh..don't tell the Wifey" and "watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!" the surest way to get the 50 year old, I've had so much surgery no part of me is legal age sex, you've come to expect every night. Particularly when your wife's children fit the target demographic of this social networking deal, and you fall somewhere in between, it sets the stage for a very awkward Hogan family love affair...and by awkward I mean sexual

RAL Athlete of the week: "Iron" Mike Tyson

Michael Gerard Tyson (born June 30, 1966)

Michael Gerard "Mike" Tyson, also known as Malik Abdul Aziz, is a retired American boxer. He was the undisputed heavyweight champion and remains the youngest man ever to win a world heavyweight title at just 19 years old. Throughout his career, Tyson became well-known for his controversial behavior both inside and outside the ring. Nicknamed "Kid Dynamite", "Iron Mike", and "The Baddest Man on the Planet", Tyson won his first 19 professional bouts by knockout, 12 in the first round. He unified the belts in the splintered heavyweight division in the late 1980s. Tyson was the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world for over five years, before losing to 42-to-1 underdog James "Buster" Douglas in 1990. Iron Mike, depending on what figure you choose to believe, has earned anywhere from $300 million to $450 million in the boxing ring over the past 20 years. But according to disclosures made to the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in New York in 2004, Tyson was down to his last $5,553 as of December of that year. Over the course of two years, Tyson spent more than $300,000 on limo rides around the New York metropolitan area. That's outrageous in itself, but particularly when you consider this is a man who owns -or at least has owned -more than 100 luxury automobiles. The list of RAL expenditures goes on and on -$82,000 for assorted men's mink wraps, a $100,000 platinum bracelet with the inscription "heavyweight champ," a gold necklace with 80 carats worth of inset diamonds for $175K. And in perhaps the most insane expenditure publicly disclosed, Tyson once paid a guy who went by the moniker "Crocodile" a few hundred grand to jump up at his press conferences and shout, "Guerrilla warfare!", how else can you say fucking RAL!? While he is best known as the youngest Heavyweight Champion of his sport, many don't know that Mike Tyson has had some very wise and eloquent things to say, and that is why we are dedicating so much space to quotes of the KO Kid, "Iron"... Mike Tyson:

On Lennox Lewis: "Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"
"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On Razor Ruddock: "You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

On Tyrell: "Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you're fittin' to die!"
"He was screaming like my wife."
"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."

On His Wife: "I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."



On His Childhood: "One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an infantile retard."

On Boxing: "I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead... my power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

On America"I'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."

Miscellaneous: "He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
and last but not least...
"I will fuck you 'til you love me faggot!"

Team Spain Keeps it RAL with the "squinty eye" move in China...

Van Damme It's Friday!

Click here for the beauty clip of our favourite Muscles from Brussells doing what he does-- 2nd best? Yeah, we know you've all seen this, but does it ever get worse???

An open letter...

Dear Our Readers,

I would like to thank you for the support of our site, but I have bad news, I have fallen in love and will be leaving the site forever. If you think I am crazy then you have obviously never been in love, when I first met Cynthia* (Her name has been changed) I knew, I just knew and then once I saw her multiple layers of fat hanging well below her belt line I was hooked. Some girls are pre occupied with Chanelle and Louis Vuitton, but not Cynthia, her world revolves around pork rinds and her skinny little Siberian Mule (That's her pet name for me) And to top it all off she plays Xbox for hours on end, remaining seditary because she isn't concerned about looks or health, she does what makes her happy and god dammit I respect that.

Enclosed is a picture of my love and before you judge you have no idea what it's like to be able to make love to not one, but count em 2 fat flaps of the woman you love. I hope you understand...

RALest movie tagline alltime...

Movie posters are somewhat of a dying medium, they put them up outside the theatre but people aren't as stupid as they once were and go to see a movie based on which one has the best poster artwork. So as a result movie companies are obviously putting less effort into them that they used to, take this one for example...


He was dead....but he got better? Are you kidding me? Can you imagine the brainstorming session for this gem?

Ad Exec: Yeah so it's Crank 2 and the idea is that J. Stath is back alive after dying in the first film and we need to convey that to the audience.
Writer: Isn't that accomplished by having him in the middle of the poster?
Ad Exec: What are you a fucking wiseass, just think of a line...
Wrtier: Well when you're sick you get better....we should play off that
Ad Exec: I'm listening
Writer: Like He was dead but he got better??
Ad Exec: That's the worst idea I have ever heard...
Writer: Didn't Stath stand on a mortorcycle while wearing a hospital gown and crash in the first film?
Ad Exec: Good point...print that he got better one

Lynds Lohan

Do you remember when Lohan used to be attractive? I know people who consider 'Mean Girls' to be one of their favorite movies as a result of how beautiful she looked in the film, but now she looks like a meth addict how would do anything for her next hit...I'm not saying I wouldn't sleep with her, but it would just have to be one of those scenarios where I put absolutely no effort in and it still panned out. Like I walk out of the bar, puke all over myself and somehow manage to get home, but turn the music on too loud and she's my neighbor and comes over to complain and she sees me passed out on the floor and then she offers to carry me to my bed and have sex with me. But in all seriousness she can't weigh more then 12 lbs and what happend to her freckles and ample bosom? I think she might have died a few years back and her handlers have just been pulling a Weekend at Bernies on us...

Is that Madonna?

RAL Girl: This Italian got us eatin' out of her [Giorgia] Palmas

... and giving me sweaty Palmas

Jenna Jameson pushes something out of her, you know to shake things up

For those who don't know, Jenna Jameson is known as "the Michael Jordan of porn" and is arguably the most famous porn star of all time, having stared in more movies then Samuel L. Jackson, and has been penetrated more as well, just barely though. Anyway she has had a few little guys in her for the past 9 months (and by that I mean she has been pregnant you perverts) but they finally got sick of being poked in the head and decided to come out. It was noted that with Jameson's extensive sexual history the labor was pain free, as it only took one push and lasted 12 seconds.

Are you sure she didn't have octuplets?

RAL Cele 2 - The Blindman

Celebration in sport is usually outlandish, narcissistic and unnecessary, but sometimes it is more important then the game itself. For instance Theo Fleury Ak 47ing the entire Russian team with his stick resulting in the only expulsion in World Jr history, Joe Namath's infamous finger point inventing the 'Were #1' and this one from a Euro hockey league game that is aptly known as 'the blind man'


Even though this league is probably complete garbage, this is the most RAL celebration ever, not only because he won the game, but you know he had this one planned well before the game. RAL.

RAL Movie of the Week - Top Gun

Maverick, keeps'n it RAL

This week, http://www.ikeepsitral.com/ MOW will feature and oldie...but a goodie...TOP GUN. Released back in 1986, this movie has been watched by every self respecting guy on earth, and probably every girl who wanted to see what Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer looked like shirts optional. The film is based on a bunch of cocky young US Navy pilots going through their training in California...and acting as cool and macho as possible. This leads to some of the most RAL nonRAL scenes ever shown in an action film. The F-14 Tomcat fighter jet is certainly the star of this flick, with Val Kilmer (Iceman) and Tom Cruise (Maverick) running in a distant second, and maybe third goes to Goose...you know the dude who was that doctor on ER.

Goose

RAL Top Gun
First the RAL part of this movie, any dude who doesn't love seeing fighter jets ripping around and killing ruskies should not consider them self a man. A memorable scene in my mind has to be when Iceman and Mav have their first confrontation in the locker room...coming face to face discussing who's the best, and who's more "dangerous". This is where Iceman, with his bleached blonde hair, busts out the memorable "Bite" move to Mav. I personally try and use this move at least once a week, because it is so arrogant and RAL that the person who you do it to, instantly needs a shamwow to clean themselves up.



From here the movie progresses into a much deeper story, and where the concept of being a wingman comes from (you know...asking a dude to be a wingman at the bar...this is where it comes from). Goose proves himself to be the ultimate wingman in the history of the planet, while Iceman shows himself to be the opposite , no spoilers here but for those who've seen this flick, they know the scene I'm talking about. I don't cry during movies, I do pushups, but this particular scene, well if you don't feel a bit of a lump in your throat then you probably have no friends and just rewind the volleyball scene over and over again.

nonRAL Top Gun
For the most part, this movie is 90% RAL...but there are a few scenes that this movie could have done without...including a scene that has been coined "The Gayest scene outside of Gay Porn". Also this scene features the song 'playing with the boys' which in itself is homoerotic, so combined with the moustaches, tight jeans and baby oil featured in this scene, it's amazing that this movie is allowed for viewing in Texas.



Now I have no idea why this scene is in there...I would imagine its for the ladies, but according to Internet folklore this has become one of the most famous scenes in the Gay community, which almost cancels out any RALness Top Gun has. Another marginal scene would have to be the "Take my Breath Away" love scene where Mav finally puts the moves on his instructor. This is the standard 80's love scene...some type of blue light shining through the window and instead of ripping the clothes off and showing some NC-17 (nudity) action, the director opted to make it look like these were two virgins figuring it out for the first time with their parents in the next room...not RAL.


Overall...a film that I have probably seen over 50 times and can recite verbatim...should be in every guys DVD (or blu-ray for you RAL people) with the volleyball scene scratched out or deleted.

nonRAL - Cialis TV ads

We have all seen these ads before, the ones where you're watching two people run around their house trying to fix all these little things that have gone wrong in their house/life...and you're left wondering "WTF are these 2 idiots doing...this commercial makes no sense". Then the "Cialis" moniker shows up on screen and it suddenly all makes sense...or does it? First, the dude in these ads should not need boner medicine at his age...if I'm in my mid 40's and I have no lead left in my pencil I'm going the Japanese business man route, not the Cialis route.

No one does this

Next, does anyone have that much going on when they decide to get buck and have at 'er? I mean watering the lawn/cooking a turkey/running a bath/dog shitting in the house and then all the sudden buddy goes full Jer and its on right away, no time waste, this is the first boner this guy has had in years and might unload pre-mature if he stops to turn the tap off...not to mention they go at it for apparently 4 hours...or 5 days in the case of that one couple that goes missing...what this boils down to is...Cialis has some nonRAL ads or I watch too much TV.

Extenze on the other hand...they know how to keepsitral...if I see Ron Jeremy promoting something that will "give me better performance...down there" I already have the number dialed before I hear the special offer or how I can use it on my boat.

Attention Customers: We Keep it Ral

This classy sign is one of many identical warnings at the Esso in one of Calgary Alberta’s oldest ‘hoods (we mean it that way). We did some unofficial research and they have probably one of the top 3 porn selections in this fine city, but they obviously aren’t so big on the buy and return that many patrons were trying to get away with. Note: Someone needs to identify this niche and open up a porno library in this part of town.

Who didn't want to look into Hollywood's MILFs in Celebrity Skin after scanning those titles?

Doesn't Twitter Sounds like an STI? 'Yeah man I got that twitter, but the cream cleared that right up'

I don't really know what twitter is, but it seems like something reserved for 14-19 year old girls and shouldn’t be a priority for an NBA player to update at half time...Charlie Villanueva disagrees however, as he did just that during Sundays upset win over the Celtics, leaving a tweet (seriously? Who named this thing?) that read:

"In da locker room, snuck to post my twitt. We're playing the Celtics, tie ball game at da half. Coach wants more toughness. I gotta step up."

"ahh-drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

So not only is this grown man making sure that all his 12 year old fans know what he’s up to after he enters the tunnel at halftime, but he also confirmed he is black at the same time...also he doesn’t have eyebrows ( he has alopecia so he was already dealing with a short deck)

A RAL take on infomercials

Watching Infomercials are one of the best ways to learn about useless yet amazing products in a very enthusiastic fashion...and it's not that we don't enjoy them it's just that all have similar elements that make them infomercials...

1. Very enthusiastic host with a gimmick - If they are a chef they wear an apron and funny hat, or they have a beard or a headset or a Hawaiian shirt or are noticeably addicted to meth

Get it? I'm a chef! Just look at my hat...

2. Co host that is the most easily impressed fuck up on the planet - they don't know how to do anything right and are so amazed that whatever product is being sold does what of does "Golly Gee that knife cut that bread!!! I just came!!"

3. Audience that might be dumber/more impresses then the co host - how are we to believe that the audience isn't paid/ mentally challenged when they are blown away by everything and applaud like they just saw Elton John blow Prince (wait a minute what?)

Audience member 1: Did you fucking see that? That blender is also a cup I dont even have to fucking pour that shit into a glass?!?
Audience member 2: I know I know I'm hard
Audience member 1: What?
Audience member 2: Kiss me...
Audience member 1: Huh?
Audience member 2: Nothing...

4. Product that does something no one would ever use it for - we've seen knives that cut cinder blocks, RonCo’s get smashed by hammers and Shamwows pick up small cars "without even pressing down" but why? Who uses these products for that? Knives cut food and maybe guys fingers if they owe you some cash...not cement

Get it? I'm a meth addict! Just look at my headset...

5. The before scenario - whenever there is an example of life before the product it's always in black and white, like there is a fucking time warp back to when life was so hard, and it shows someone just struggling while trying to do the mundane task that the product addresses...and by struggling I mean doing a very simply task, but making it seem like it is the most difficult thing they have ever done in their life. This has included, but is not limited to cleaning the top of the fridge or finding keys in their purse. This is followed by a giant red X on screen and a wipe to a colorful scenario where all is well and people are using the product with such ease that their quality of life quadrupled. All because they now have an angled brush to clean the inside of their windshield...opposed to bending their arm and using their hand!

6. On the boat - almost every infomercial uses this as an excuse to appeal to peoples love of a deal, as they throw in more then one of the product at the end...but only if you call in the next 2 mins and 42 seconds...my question is how many people own boats or need these things on the boat? Shamwow good for carpets, the car, or the boat...magic bullet, perfect for drinks on the boat...magic putty, it can lift a boat!

7. The unveiling of price - this one plays into the audience and retarded co host as well...when the host tells them the price and how much extra cloths/knives/children souls they get and for such a small price, everyone gasps and is so stunned it's like they just saw Elton John blow Verne Troyer (why do I keep going back to that?) and then they give a standing ovation

9. Real customers interviews - so convincing it's not even fair

Customer: Since I got Oxy Clean I can literally shit my pants and not have to worry about it staining..
Host: Do you find yourself shitting your pants often?
Customer: Well more then I'd like to admit

10. Products with no use - some infomercial products are great don't get me wrong, but some just don't make the grade. Those wrap around shades that go over glasses to block out the sun, are just sunglasses that make a person look both slow and blind, probably not worth the three easy payments of $19.95.

After I take out your liver I promise to slow cook it to retain the flavor...
Set it and forget it!