IKEEPSITRAL

We should take legal action

2009-10-01T14:52:00.002-06:00

So a few months ago we changed into an adult 'humor' comic site, as it was easier to produce and all of the twisted ideas inside my head seem far less harmless when they are in comic form. Anyway one of the comics we made involved a parody of Rick Springfield's classic song 'Jesse's Girl'. Well if it wasn't one month later with this video surfaces on a humor site owned by Will Ferrel, take a look for yourself, but I'm pretty sure we'd have a case here:

Jessies Girl, Sherrie - watch more funny videos

Note the anger Jesse feels towards Rick and the creep stare/crotch rub. The last part isn't featured in our comic, it's just really arousing...

Differences

2009-07-20T13:18:00.001-06:00

Got Legs?

2009-07-16T13:11:00.000-06:00

Farewell Tour

2009-07-16T12:34:00.001-06:00

Walk in...

2009-07-15T15:50:00.002-06:00

Taxi

2009-07-15T13:15:00.001-06:00

Is This Legal?

2009-07-15T09:27:00.001-06:00

Poker?

2009-07-14T17:00:00.003-06:00

Another! I think this is what you call a streak

2009-07-14T15:49:00.001-06:00

Marisa in the bath...

2009-07-14T14:46:00.002-06:00

Because no matter how hard we try we can't get away from that good ol' smut material, especially when it looks like this...

An Original Cartoon from IKIR

2009-07-14T14:29:00.002-06:00

We decided writing was too hard on our gin-soaked brains, so we've gone into the comic industry. This was the first one that was not XXX, hope you enjoy:

RAL watercraft: from Aly R.

2009-06-15T12:10:00.002-06:00

It is the biggest private yacht in existence and comes with a missile-detection system, two helipads, a luxury spa, swimming pool and a miniature submarine. But when you're Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich, only the most ostentatious displays of wealth will do. His latest baby is the Eclipse, a 557-footer reported to have cost a staggering £300million. To keep the oligarch safe, the Eclipse has a military-grade missile defence system, armour-plating around Abramovich's master suite and bullet-proof windows. There is also a private submarine, which doubles as an escape pod. The project has been shrouded in such secrecy that at one point the shipbuilders would only say that a yacht called Eclipse was being built somewhere in Germany. Needless to say, they would not confirm who had bought it. But there is little doubt that 40-year-old Abramovich who already owns four luxury vessels, is the proud owner. According to industry experts, the Eclipse has been specifically designed to overshadow the world's current largest private yacht, a 525-footer owned by Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the ruler of Dubai. Abramovich's new toy is due to be delivered in 2010 and will join the rest of his fleet. None of his ships - the Pelorus (377ft), the Ecstasea ( 282ft) and the Sussurro (161ft) - are insubstantial but the Eclipse will dwarf them all. The oil magnate, who is the 11th richest man in the world according to Forbes, uses his yachts for very specific purposes. Originally built for a Saudi sheikh, the Pelorus is used for entertaining and boasts room for 22 guests and 40 staff. It has two helipads, an indoor pool and a steam room. He uses the Ecstasea, which comes complete with Chinese-themed interior, for cruising and the Sussuro for short journeys and to loan to friends. Annual overhead for the boats is more than £15million, and it costs him £73,000 just to fill up the tanks of his current largest boat, Pelorus. The son of Jewish parents, Abramovich began his business career selling plastic ducks from a grim Moscow apartment but, within a few years, his vast wealth spread from oil conglomerates to pig farms. Russia's richest man has flourished under president Vladimir Putin, with critics saying he used his government ties to take over former state-owned assests and reap the profits for personal use. Outside of Russia, the 41-year-old is known as owner of the Chelsea Football Club. He is also known to entertain players and British financiers on his yachts. Abramovich reportedly lost up to £13billion in the global financial crisis, but he was already in the process of having his biggest-ever yacht built.

She has legs too!?

2009-06-08T15:37:00.001-06:00

Eva Longoria setting the bar for 34 year-old tush

2009-06-05T11:28:00.005-06:00

These celeb sites think they're so sneaky snapping pics of celebrities when they don't know it. I guess that makes IKIR the pirates of the Sleazy Sea stealing their treasure for free... and me Jack Sparrow!

Chaos Reigned... or did it Rein???

2009-06-05T10:04:00.005-06:00

If you came here for equestrian porn, this picture is all you're gettin'.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Stewards took more than 30 minutes to unravel bizarre events surrounding the maiden steeplechase at the Canterbury Jockey Club's meeting before declaring Nana the winner by an extraordinary 128 lengths. Nana was the only horse to complete the course without falling and by jumping every fence. Five horses fell, two jockeys broke collarbones and one horse was treated for stress. What's His Name was running fifth in the home straight but finished second when three horses fell at the last fence: Mala Strana and About Time were vying for second when they both crashed and Son of the Oak inherited second place until it also went down at the last. About Time's jockey remounted his horse and finished third. Jockey George Strickland, who had started the race on Mala Strana, remounted Ice Pack which had fallen earlier in the race and claimed fourth place but was disqualified. "That was a bit weird," steward Stewart Ching said of Strickland's swap. "We are not sure why that happened. It added to the confusion." "It was one of the more bizarre races I have to deal with." Not as bizarre as one of those horses having the same name as I went by in High School... "What's His Name". That has to be up there with Hoof Hearted, Couch Won't Miss Ya, Bye Bye Boredom, and the greatest racehorse name of all time, Snubbin' Pubbin'.

the end.

Transformers 2 Sneak Peak...

2009-06-05T09:24:00.001-06:00

Give this a one-star rating and I will end you.

The Equalizer

2009-06-04T23:50:00.004-06:00

One of our female readers gave Megan Fox a one star out of 5 for the latest pics and said that she's been getting too much attention and that someone more "naturally beautiful" like Gisele Bundchen should get some face time... good enough excuse for me:

Stampede anyone?

An Oldie: Rap Battle Translated

2009-06-04T16:43:00.002-06:00

RALest Mashup ever?

2009-06-04T16:38:00.002-06:00

Ciara's rump because that's all I got in me today...

2009-06-04T14:11:00.000-06:00

Our Sincerest Apologies

2009-06-03T13:45:00.002-06:00

...As I cannot believe that we hadn't posted this earlier for your viewing pleasure. Please rate this video and come back with a better "Thug Workout"... if you can. Cuz what keeps it RAL like a shirtless fuckin' workout right there on the street/a child's playground?

Eddies: Other Winners!

2009-06-03T11:32:00.002-06:00

2009 Big Rock Eddies: 2nd Place Video Winner

2009 Big Rock Eddies: 1st Place Video Winner

Meg Fox does her thing for GQ...

2009-06-03T10:59:00.005-06:00

Facebook ads starting to keep it RAL

2009-06-02T15:34:00.002-06:00

Who does not want to go to the University of Andy? You get a hot blond in a pink shirt that shows off her knockers to greet you. You figure out how to pluck some virginity's, get rich quick, and snipe people with bow and arrows! Are there any life skills left untouched at this fine institution? Thank you Facebook for coming to your senses in terms of who and what can be advertised!

Lady Gaga = RAL or RALGA if you will

2009-06-02T14:32:00.004-06:00

What I think my associate was trying to say was that Lady Gaga don't give the closest thing to a fuck....or at least she pretends to. I had the privlage of seeing "her" before live at the NKOTB concert last year, and yeah I went to an NKOTB concert, a less RAL man would've never admitted it....anyway while watching her live show I was convinced that a prominent dong was going to fall out of her panties at any moment while she waved her had in front of her face, so no one could read her po-pok-poker face....she is often caught on the town in underwear and goes out of her way to be sexual, oh and she recently admitted that she would like to have a 4 some with the Jonas Brothers, which I thought was a creative way to tell the world you're bisexual....

Her name originated from the queen song "Radio Gaga", which is fitting because she and Freddie Mercury both slept with people of the same gender....and sooner then later she'll get HIV

Also she's 23 years old....and used to be an exotic dancer. So either Lady Gaga is the greatest actress of all time or she truly doesn't give a fuck about what anyone thinks....or she is smuggling a dink and it's just acting normal for a guy

Who was that girl pole dancing in the kitchen you ask?

2009-06-02T13:24:00.003-06:00

23 year old (I know, some of her must be like 54) Kendra Wilkinson met Hugh Hefner at his 78th birthday party in April 2004, where she was hired to be one of the "painted girls" (women who are nude except for painted-on accessories). Hefner had apparently seen her picture, shot by photographer Kim Riley, on a fax machine at the Playboy Mansion and wanted to know who she was. Shortly after they met, Hefner asked Wilkinson to be one of his girlfriends and he moved her into the Playboy Mansion along with her dogs Raskal and Martini.

The Newest in Kitchen Reno's

2009-06-02T11:33:00.002-06:00

Big Rock Ad

2009-06-02T10:44:00.001-06:00

You didn't like that black box post? Why not? Big Rock Brewery has once again come to my rescue as they must have heard me screaming down Glenmore that my video embed code wasn't working from the Calgary Herald and literally posted this video as I was searching for it. Anyhow, it is the 3rd place Winner of the 2009 Big Rock Eddies, and the best one of this years entries in my mind: snowboarding accident, hot nurse, cold Trad delivered intravenously- a winning trifecta in most people's books. I went to this years Eddies (dress: Classic Hollywood) in capri sweatpants, a wife-beater, and a Hawaiian shirt that would make Don Ho blush, and they were phenomenal, highly recommended to beer and commercial enthusiasts. Enjoy this entry and others...

European: RAL vs. nonRAL

2009-06-01T13:14:00.001-06:00

RAL: being a Danish-Norwegian dance-pop group that doesn't give a rip what anyone thinks about you and sounding great while doing it.

SWEET-ASS VID

nonRAL: being a European soccer puff that can't take/throw a real headbutt.

Really Catchy Song!

2009-05-31T15:58:00.001-06:00

Our apologies for the annoying visuals that accompany:

Stand up if you hate Man U....

2009-05-28T14:55:00.005-06:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SPORT/05/28/nigeria.death.united.barcelona/index.html

Some people, myself included, love sport. Their lives are consumed by it, watching it, talking about it, reading about it and every so often trying to have sex with it…anyway when you are that into something it hurts when your favorite team/player/set of busty cheerleaders lose and you no longer have anything to watch or believe in. Some people react differently in this scenario as even the strongest men in the world have been know to cry, Hulk Smash whichever object is closest to them, stop updating their blog for a month, or get filled with blood lust…

It seems a little over the top I know, but that’s exactly what this guy in Nigeria did after watching his beloved Manchester United lose to Barcelona yesterday for some soccer championship I’m sure none of our readers care about…

"He was displaying his anger at his team losing the match. The driver had passed the crowd then made a U-turn and ran into them,"

You're cheering for Man U. in the comfort of your own home?!?!? I WILL KILL YOU!

And he killed 4 people while doing so…most sites would label this guy a ruthless murderer, which he is, but they would also be overlooking the RALness of his actions. Driving into the crowd wasn’t a reaction, he drove past them, said to himself “Nah, fuck that no one cheers for the team they love in front of me, do they know who I am? I drive the minibus!?!?!” made the effort to turn around and of course drive into them.

If soccer fans are anything like the athletes that participate in the sport, all the guy had to do was drive by slowly and they all would’ve acted like they got hit by 10 buses anyway…would’ve saved him the anal pounding he’s about the receive in prison…unless that was his goal all along, then well done

“Guess who’s bizack, back on the block for you hoes, Face Mob, Mack Mittens and Hov…”

2009-05-28T14:51:00.002-06:00

Truer words have never been spoken, as I stumbled upon two news stories that forced me out of retirement, and am “back on the block for you hoes”, whatever that means….

Stay tuned

Kronwall K.O.'s Havlat

2009-05-27T12:58:00.000-06:00

5 Alabama police officers fired over [kick-ass RAL] beating (from James W.)

2009-05-21T09:34:00.006-06:00

Click.

Minka in the Park!

2009-05-12T19:21:00.002-06:00

We are shamelessly a pure smut blog now... one of our editors has gone down with the longest hangover this side of Koh Phangan and has left me and my sweaty palms with far too much time and power. I've effectively started to drain the site of any humor or originality in a twisted bid to quicken him in the fight against the bottle and to return to contribute once again... I leave you with a TV actress stretching in the park and listening to Flo Rida on her iPod (I can only presume). Thankfully for her hamstrings and your twisted mind, that position doesn't leave as much to the mind as most.

Miss Pink Panties keeps the crown

2009-05-12T19:19:00.003-06:00

Donald Trump, the king of almost all, has proclaimed that the new queen of cotton is to keep her crown despite a post a few back where we broke the hideous and unappealing news of her shirtless, voluptuous, scandal...

Jessica Biel for obvious reasons

2009-05-12T19:18:00.000-06:00

Rihanna one-ups Miss Cali!

2009-05-11T14:57:00.004-06:00

If you don't live under a rock, you'd have heard by this time that someone has released nudie pics of Rihanna sans clothes, shoes, and um-brella-ella-ella-eh? eh? eh? Chris Brown has had more than a few fingers pointed at him and some are even claming they're fakes... what's your call? Click here for 'em (NSFW)

Little Miss Pink Panties err California

2009-05-11T14:29:00.003-06:00

Causing controversy again, this time with pink panties and no bra to match instead of saying no gays allowed in the treefort that is America

We're almost back...

2009-05-11T12:41:00.001-06:00

Thanks to those of you who keep coming to our site, amidst our technological difficulties and week long hangovers....we appreciate it and we will be posting more very soon....

Until then enjoy this clip of Scott Walker fucking up Aaron Ward's eye...

Kiefer keepsitral with black-tie HEADBUTT

2009-05-06T09:23:00.003-06:00

I found this picture on a celebrity blog site and was going to shamelessly lift their picture and come up with a witty story about Kiefer keeping it realer than real but they did it to such a tea, tee, t? That I'm going to plagerize near the whole damn thing. "While attending a Met Gala after-party Monday night, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted a fashion designer in an alleged effort to defend Brooke Shield's honor. -- And also because whiskey's delicious. (Hahaha see? You can't top that for a funny little remark) TMZ reports: We're told witnesses say the alleged victim -- Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough -- allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt. Complicating it for Kiefer -- he's on probation in L.A. for a DUI, and one of the terms is that he obey all laws (RAL). No word on whether L.A. prosecutors will pursue the matter. I love how Kiefer Sutherland plays the smart, resourceful Jack Bauer on TV, but in real life, I wouldn't trust him to guard the last donut at work. Unless I wanted all the sprinkles headbutted off, then maybe." (you see!? funny!)

P.S. (damn dehydration)

2009-05-05T16:48:00.001-06:00

Hot Minka Kelly is reportedly dating this fruitcake if you thought you had a chance (yes her middle name is Minka):

Hot Filler

2009-05-05T15:20:00.014-06:00

We at IKEEPSITRAL.com (or I.K.I.R. for short)- now at ikeepsitral.blogspot.com until we iron out some wrinkles, shut up- have hit a bit of a temporary low. Namely the NHL playoffs [and a short run by the hometeam Flames] have left us hungover and dry (in terms of ideas, and even literally- requiring a litre of pedialyte a day or more). Anyways, what does this mean for you? It means we surf other blogs (mostly girly celeb blogs) for hot pics of hot chicks and throw them on here, 'cause they takes less effort and need for rehydration. Anyways that's how these came about, we don't have our own paparazzi... yet. The following are a couple new photos of Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly doing boring stuff around L.A., better known for posing in some magazine in her 70's style gym socks (see below) some time ago, that made me completely reconsider gym strip. This hot piece is one-half product of an Aerosmith guitarist- no don't get excited not Joe Perry- that guy that no one except Steven Tyler remembers, Rick Dufay. Back to Minka, she's 28 and has a AAA rack of lamb so if you enjoy delights of the visual kind, dig in while we reload on electrolytes.

P.S. if you like this dame's proportions, she's a 34-24-33. How do we know that? Perhaps the ultimate in creeper sites (outside of Facebook)- www.chickipedia.com (please still visit this one).

U.S. Ammo a Hot Commodity

2009-05-04T16:04:00.006-06:00

According to CNN, "...gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition, a phenomenon apparently driven by fear that the Obama administration will increase taxes on bullets or enact new gun-control measures." Never mind threat of the commies, or Iranians, or North Koreans, American gun-toters are now worried about the black, er liberal President they elected and that he and his government may make some changes that would make the stockpiling of thousands of rounds of man and armor-piercing ammunition more than necessary.

Damn...you're purdy

I guess a positive side-effect is that foreign aggressors that would have thought twice about attacking the U.S. (or God-forbid invading them) before this phenomenon, would now think 3 times, or 4 or 5 even (see picture).

It's So Reeeeeal

2009-05-04T15:10:00.003-06:00

... that it doesn't even attempt to make Sammy Sosa not sound like a new immigrant hawking a microwaveable taco, or someone with a severe speach impediment or mental handicap. Nonetheless, how many of you wanted to put away your 09 sports game and give this one a crack after seeing this gem of a trailer?

... cont'd (I guess?)

2009-05-04T15:04:00.001-06:00

buy this.

Transformers 2!

2009-05-01T14:34:00.007-06:00

So according to this trailer which I just watched on mute, there's a new movie (a sequel?) coming out about a hot, hot girl who gets changed in some kind of garden while some fellow she seems to know talk to a heap of metal in a shed? After I rewound to watch her slip her jacket off and into her white dress some 40 or 50 times I realized the producers of this film have also added a bunch of filler such as comet-like projectiles striking the earth and many robots having a king-of-the-ring ninja fight in a forest, such shameless attempts at gaining viewership! Back to the guts of the movie... we can only hope that the plot won't focus on these silly 'robot battles' for long and will be as thick and twisting as in the first movie. As such we hope it will show the aforementioned damsel pressing her hot body seductively onto a 2000 cc motorcycle, her sweet sweat sticking just so to the leather and a good length of her thigh and ass to show between the knee high leather boots and cut-off denim shorts, her dark hair falling in waves upon her sculpted shoulders... and it looks like there's hope.

New Look for May

2009-05-01T13:27:00.000-06:00

Let us know what you think... and leave a rating!

Got some teeth....

2009-05-01T12:37:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been going down on a girl and thought it was a little fishy, and thought there was no way it could get any worse? Well imagine if she had teeth, and by that I mean imagine that her vagina had teeth and could bite off your shvonson...That's exactly what the writers of this future academy award winner did...just take a look

So after seeing this trailer I have to ask, are all Gyno's this smooth, "I won't bite" I'm sure that's the kind of non sexual advance all women want to hear before they are penetrated by a latex glove...I know if I heard my doctor say that to me before I got a prostate exam I wouldn't sleep right for weeks and would sue for malpractice...lowlight of the trailer has to be the tagline "Every rose has it's thorns" for insinuating that a vagina is a rose and not the most powerful weapon of all time against men and Lynds Lohan...additionally this movie should be shown in sex ed classes to highlight the value of anal and introduces a whole new and sexual meaning of the phrase, I will punch your teeth out (with my dong)...imagine this broad rolling into the orthodontists office, requiring a set of uppers and lowers? It would make it far more interesting when one claimed they had something 'stuck in their braces'...

Radio Shack employee

2009-04-30T12:42:00.002-06:00

Have you every worked in Retail? It sucks...the customer is 'always right', but in reality, they are usually stupid fuck ups who want things done their way and can't understand when it doesn't happen...

Customer: Hi yeah I'd like to return this blouse...I never wore it
Me: If you didn't wear it, then where are the tags?
Customer: Oh they fell off...
Me: So the tags that were fastened to the shirt, they survived being shipped all the way from fucking China, but managed to fall off when you left the store
Customer: Yeah
Me: Ok, whatever, but it still looks like it's been worn....look there's a stain on it...what is this?
Customer: That was on the shirt
Me: No, I'm pretty sure it's jizz, it's white and certainly smells of passion
Customer: WHAT?!? no that's not what it is, it must've happend in the store
Me: Listen lady, it looks like jizz, smells like jizz and certainly tastes like jizz, so don't bullshit a bullshitter, ok?
Customer: I want to talk to a manager (And that's how I got fired)

Anyway this scenario seems to be quite common and this employee at Radio Shack had enough...
"a customer was trying to return an item Sunday. But the employee said no. The customer then requested to speak to a manager. "That's when the 52-year-old male employee began punching the man"

Free face punches with all returns...ass grabs with all purchases

At least the employee didn't promise the customer anything and then not deliver, then it might have made the news...

You didn't have the special two weeks ago neither....

2009-04-30T12:19:00.000-06:00

There is a well known stereotype out there that people of African descent tend to like fried chicken. We always take stereotypes with a grain of salt, as you should too, because they are usually based on factual information and blown way of proportion. I for example am half Italian, but I do not secrete olive oil or Garlic and have never had to do a thing for a guy. However, as this video shows, it's not a stereotype when it's true:

Hard to believe that people drove and took cabs across the state, to receive discounted chicken...and were outraged when it wasn't delivered...I've never wanted something on sale so badly that I would go out of my way to save 4 buck, but I wasn't genetically dispositioned to enjoy something this much...Best part of the video has to be the fact that Popeye's advertised the sale as a "Payday Sale", encouraging customers who just received their pay checks for the past two weeks to come in and buy chicken...

A little known stereotype apparently, is that people of this decent closely follow Irish folklore, but no one is certain as to why?

And like Bub Rub and Lil Sis...there is a REMIX

Cheerleaders get Forthright

2009-04-29T14:13:00.003-06:00

With the massive recession we've been rocked with lately, cheerleaders across North America have had to re-organize and contemplate their roles in business and society- and through discussions with teams and their unions- decided they are best to "cut to the chase" and not to circumvent the trophies they are truly after in the guises of "sport", "competition", "sportsmanship" and "cheer":

gimme a... cock! gimme a... cock! gimme a COCK!

In actuality, the noisy hen pictured is helping to cheer on the USC Gamecocks, Div A sports team... but we can dream can't we? Now that's really no fun, why did I have to write that?

Video gaming gets far too real...

2009-04-29T13:49:00.010-06:00

A 28 year old man has shot and killed a 24 year old in Chicago when a heated game of Call of Duty went sour. The girlfriend of the latter showed up on the scene and found the game still running, the victim still clutching the controller and with a shotgun wound in the back of his head [and, we can only assume, nerds chirping the "newbie" for his lack of attacking or even moving for that matter, coming through the television set]. While these actions are inexcusable I do vividly recall tomahawking a Sega controller (one of those special ones for small hands and extra buttons to boot!) into a TV screen and turning the just-finished upset beating of Bob Probert at the hands of little Darren Turcotte into the real life version, tears streaming down my upset young face... did this just become a post on NHL 93 for Sega Genesis? IKEEPSITRAL.

Miller would have quite a poker hand with all that Ace...

2009-04-29T09:57:00.003-06:00

What would you do if ya son was at home, cryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?...

2009-04-29T09:19:00.006-06:00

The ASSOCIATED PRESS reports police in Ohio say a 14-year-old girl was dancing topless at an Akron strip club when they raided the bar. Akron police conducted the raid Friday night at the Playhouse bar and arrested four dancers. Police Lt. Rick Edwards says officers saw some dancers make contact with customers, but not the 14-year-old. He says the club is not licensed as a sexually oriented business. The girl has been placed in protective custody. The bar’s owner and manager have been charged with illegal use of a minor in a nudity performance (our specialty, really) and with child endangering. We thought this was a good time to note that in Akron, 2008's sex case convictions totaled 57, compared with the high of 150 in 2002 and the average over the past decade of 104. Among the 57 cases, 22 was for the lesser crime of gross sexual imposition (again, without making light of this... this sounds like a great Saturday night, am I right?). Also to aid officers in fighting crime, the city became the first in the United States to have officers trained and equipped with the kick-ass high-tech Israeli gun CornerShot and that Summit County is long reputed as the "Meth Capital of Ohio." Statistics show that it is due mainly to Akron, which in between 2006 and July 2008 totalled 86 meth sites of the county's 102, far exceeding every other city.

A final Ode to the Flame outs...

2009-04-28T12:44:00.004-06:00

Last night our beloved Flames lost to Chicago in a disappointing series, seeing them get bounced live for the third time in four years really kicked me in the balls. So much so that I seriously considered taking a bereavement day from work...So i wrote this song to the tune of 'Crying' by Roy Orbison, if you don't know the tune you can find it here

I’ve been cheering all year long
Watched you fuck up a 14 point lead
But I saw you last night I held my hands so tight
As you were down 3-0
Oh, I wished you wellBut I could tell
That I'd soon be crying
Crying over you
And like that you were gone
Left me so lonely in the ‘dome
Alone and crying, crying
Crying, crying

It's hard to understand
But the way you play (so soft, so gay)
Can start me crying I thought that you could force game 7
But it was too good to be true, so true
It hurts even more
Than it did last year
But, Flames, what can I do?
For you lost again And I don’t know when
I’ll stop crying over you

Yes, you’re one and done
And, for the next month or so
I'll be crying, crying
Crying, crying
As I will have to hear it from the ‘Nucks

And watch those two red-head fucks

So I’ll be crying, crying

(And masturbating)

Over you

Hungary for Canadian Shoulder...

2009-04-27T14:57:00.002-06:00

that is all.

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women

2009-04-27T12:51:00.000-06:00

The marketing folks at Pepsi have clearly run out of ideas, they must have wasted them all getting Jimmy Fallon, Diddy, Brit Spears, Reggie Bush...etc to appear in their commercials. Now it seems that Pepsi is releasing a cola that is made with actual sugar not HFCS (or fake sugar for the unemployed out there) and calling it Pepsi Cola 'Throwback'. I guess they are trying to appeal to the 'Urban' crowd and those who start sentences with 'when I was your age' with that product title.

Like Coke Classic, just not synonymous with being mixed with Rum, Rye or Jack....

Anyway what's left at this point, we've seen Clear Pepsi, Diet, Pepsi max, new cans, new logos, that shitty Blue Pepsi that burnt your throat for days and now a Pepsi that was made like it was 50 years ago. If this Pepsi is so appealing, then why isn't it made with sugar to this day? Why did they change it? To be more fatty? Do Pepsi execs carry cards made of jerky as well? I hope that this gimmick fails as well and Pepsi just leaves the product as is and stops pretending to be anything but the redheaded stepchild of cola...

The Sky is blue, Water is wet...

2009-04-27T12:17:00.000-06:00

Performing comparisons is an integral part of life, whether it be the quality of sex you are having to the quality of sex you used to have, the quality of women/men you are picking up for one night stands compared to what you used to pick up or how much it burns after said one night stand, compared to what it used to. Anyway comparisons are a big part of sports as well, most often when a trade occurs, because you can see directly how each player impacted their new team and make evaluations to see who 'won' the trade. ABC did one of these comparisons during a game on Saturday, evaluating a blockbuster NBA trade between Detroit and Denver for Chauncey Billups and Allen Iverson. It would be a fair comparison had both players been PLAYING during the playoffs, which Iverson wasn't...in fact he missed the final 2 weeks of the season due to a back injury and hasn't played since...well done ABC, well done...

They ran out of columns, but the last few were going to read

House Arrest Parties: Iverson 1 Billups 0

Banned from Casinos: Iverson 35 Billups 0

Jail Sentences: Iverson 1 Billups 0

Rap Albums Cancelled due to lyrics: Iverson 1 Billups 0

Kicked wife out of house naked: Iverson 1 Billups 0

Threaten to retire because he wasn't starting: Iverson 5 Billups 0

Gone on rants about 'Practice': Iverson 3 Billups 0

Started Cornrow trend: Iverson 1 Billups 0

Petitioned team to change practice time, due to hangovers: Iverson 1 Billups 0

Arrested at '17': Iverson 1 Billups 0

You just can't put a price on the intangibles folks

Blast from the past: Jim Schonfield blasts "fatty donut-eating" Ref

2009-04-27T10:26:00.002-06:00

The Rangers bench boss, Torts, was kicked out of a game against the Caps in this years Stanley Cup Playoffs and was ironically replaced by this classy fellow for game 6...

Jaws meets Godfather...part 3 of each though, so not nearly as awesome as it sounds

2009-04-26T20:07:00.006-06:00

Here's another article out of Australia and what a coincidence it has a Mob feel to it as well. For those of you who aren't aware, to send a message in the movie The Godfather Don Vito Corleone cuts off the head of Jack Woltz's prize horse and puts it in his bed while he is sleeping in it as an attempt to "make him an offer he can't refuse", and in this story there is a similar occurrence except substitute horse's head with shark and bed with front of newspaper.

"A live shark dumped on the doorstep of an Australian country newspaper office"

A shark? That sounds like an offer he can refuse...

In the article it states that no one knows why the Shark was dumped in front of the building, but I like to think that someone wrote an article that a local mobster didn't like and wanted to send a message so he put like a live great white on the doorstep of the paper hoping that it would attack anyone associated with the article. But instead he put a tiny pussy shark that didn't scare or attack anyone, because sharks can't live and attack outside of water, so no one was killed and the mobster just looks like a fuck up now...

How Romantic

2009-04-26T19:49:00.004-06:00

This one is for those lovebirds out there...just this past weekend two people in Saanich (sounds classy I know) up'd the bar for romance everywhere as they were caught having sex in a dumpster. I've often thought about it, but just never had the stones to actually go through with it and have sex on top of other peoples leftover food, diapers and used syringes. I guess I just haven't found Mrs. Right yet.

Her: Yeah I can see that your naked, can't we just do it in the alley instead?
Him: The alley, that's sick...people could see us

I am assuming there is a perfectly good reason that this couple went through and got freak nasty in the dumpster. The first and most logical reason is that they were vagrants rummaging through the dumpster for an after panhandle snack, and just thought 'Fuck it, let's have sex at the dinner table'...the second, the guy was in desperate need to get laid so he got a prostitute, realizing he didn't have any money for a hotel room, he came up with the next best thing...the third, the guy is married or lives with his girlfriend and couldn't bring the inebriated skank he just wheeled outside the SAAN store back to his place, so he told her 'he knew a place' and carried her into the dumpster...and lastly, and hopefully this is the actual reason, the girl was just insanely horny and really wanted to fuck Oscar the Grouch...

Crikey....

2009-04-26T19:36:00.004-06:00

I came across this news piece out of Australia today, describing a murder of a Chinese man from just over a year ago. We generally don't like to make light of someone being murdered, but the picture accompanying this article was too astonishing not to post. It seems that this victim upset the wrong people, as the bodies discovery has Mob Hit written all over it. The man went missing early last year and was found in a "...marshland in south Sydney, wrapped in a carpet and bound with electrical wire." That however is not the astonishing part, what is however is that the man's head had be shot 34 times with a nail gun...I guess the first 20 didn't really kill the guy dead enough and the shooter really felt a final 14 would drive home his point. (A nail pun....ahh too soon?) Here is the x-ray of the departed's head...

Think he had a splitting headache?

Needless to say, don't fuck with this mob, I'd rather be shot once by any other gun on the planet then meet this demise, that is of course excluding the dildo gun, but still....

A RAL look at music videos

2009-04-24T12:48:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago we touched on Eminem being nonRAL and it was namely due to his latest video...but then we got to thinking are any music videos RAL? Or good even? We came up with the simple answer no but we felt we should explain as to why we feel this way….Music videos are directed by the world’s shittiest directors known to man, they must be, if they were any better then they would be directing Jason X instead of two minute ‘mini movies’ shown sparingly on MTV, MuchMusic and whatever else the kids like these days. With that being said music videos generally fall into these categories…

Break up/Heartbreak Story – nonRAL: Usher – Burn, all Backstreet boys
prominently found in R & B, pop and country videos, where one party is scorn, which is conveyed to the audience by them sitting alone and looking at a picture or staring aimlessly into space or out a window or looking at a cell phone call, and yearns for their love to return. Almost always features rain, you know to symbolize tears or depression or some shit, in the hip-hop and pop world also punctuated by slick solo dancing including the spinning of fedoras one one’s hand while a Britney look-alike showers or some palm trees spontaneously combust.

Amateur video footage – nonRAL: We couldn’t think of any because they aren’t memorable
Laziest and cheapest way to make a video, a look into the artists life on the road and how goofy/normal they are…”hey look that guy with the perm in Nickelback just stuck licorice up his nose and ate it....I do that shit too! Maybe I should get a perm and start servicing men” Going in you know the shit is all choreographed, because if it was real the video would be sold at stores with signs that read XXX…have you ever read an artists biography? On the road all they do is fuck strange whores, often together, and do blow/heroine of said whores asses, if they showed this vid they would’ve gotten their own write up as to why they are the RALest band of all time…

Look what I have – nonRAL: All Rap videos RAL: Birdman and Diddy – if you’re going to do it this is how, there’s a fucking jet ski in the pool…& Jim Jones – Ballin remix – they pour buckets of cash onto each other.. G-Dep – Special Delivery (Remix) – Look at Ghostface Killahs chain and eagle bracelet
During the late 90’s and early 2000’s flaunting in a Rap music video made you a millionaire, so everyone did it and nothing else…each video had to feature cars parking in front of a mansion, gold bottles being popped, cash being thrown at the camera, jewelry and countless numbers of scantly clad hoes…it appeals to the ‘Cribs’ demographic and I use to lap that shit up, I realize now that the money isn’t real, the girls are all paid and the cars and house are all rentals and even though they a black all the artists have to have tiny Johnsons to need that shit to prove they are cool…

Club scene – nonRAL: All Usher vids, Fiddy – In Da Club
Usually accompany club songs, , only question is what clubs are they going to? Any time I go to a club, whether it’s in Vegas/Thailand/Papa New Guinea, there are inevitably going to be more men then women in attendance and at most there will be about 4 rockets in the entire place, that are being hit on by each of the abundance of men surrounding them…however you look at an Usher video and every fucking girl in there is a 6’7 supermodel and the only guys in there are the ones doing a choreographed dance with Ush on the dance floor. If I went to any club like that, I wouldn’t be dancing around with a bunch of guys wearing Heely’s, I’d be passed out from having a full jer and would probably be charged with 12-29 accounts of sexual assault…

Mini Movie – RAL: Thriller Estranged – GNR, nonRAL:Wild Wild West – Will Smith
Thriller started this phenomena, it is a great music video don’t get me wrong, and in the 80’s the make up and choreography must have blown people away, but there are still parts of it that why if the beasts are so interested in harming this girl do they do nothing but dance around her for 3 mins? Are they serving her? Is this supposed to frighten her? If a gang walked up to me and demanded my wallet and then started a 5 min dance session in front of me, I don’t know that I would be scared so much as I would be creeped out and try to slink away slowly before they held me down and touched me…it of course lead to more mini movies that are even worse, 3 min songs that turn into 12 min vids and usually feature excessive storylines where everything is lost in translation and have nothing to do with the song. G n’ R was at the top of their game right around the time that the mini-movie was all that and it’s easy to say that they did it to a tee… Axl was just sitting back one day sucking a fag and thinking about what would become their mini-movie video trilogy (November Rain, Estranged, Don’t Cry)… “I need a wedding scene where Slash does a wild solo in the desert after and then it starts fucking thundershowering on the reception and people are jumping through cakes n’ shit and my rocket wife ends up dying. I need to be shaking uncontrollably in no less than 2/3 of these videos, whether I be naked in a laboratory, in a snowstorm, or on a shelf in my mansion… I also need to show all of our hottest current hoe’s watching the vids as they play, in a domestic dispute over a cliff in a muscle car (again in the desert) with our lead guitarist, I also need to be swimming with dolphins and jumping off an ocean liner… also need frequent pans of my favorite hangout, the Rainbow Bar in Hollywood, actually could I get more smoking and domestic disputes there? Slasher also needs to solo on top of my piano, in the Pacific Ocean, on the roof of skyscraper and after driving his bitch of a cliff.”

We had more categories as well, but we didn’t want the post to be too long, and got lazy and drunk, something I like to call drazy...anyway here’s some other videos that are so terrible that they don’t require a write up…

This is why you fat, this is why, this is why you fat...

2009-04-24T10:55:00.003-06:00

So I came across this product today that might be the easiest way to tell someone you like food...alot. It's a business card made of beef jerky, that has your information lasered onto it...

If you work in the jerky industry then this is the greatest thing that has ever happend to you, if you don't however then you might have a problem...let's say you're a small business owner, how do you explain that your card is made of salted meat? You could probably get really excited explaining that all your info and shit was lasered onto it, banking on whoever you are giving it to really enjoys Star Trek and the laser reference will give them an erection...but that will probably only happen 2 or maybe 3 times a year (alot of people like Star Trek, must be those hot Klingons) other then that you probably won't impress anyone else. Unless of course you deal exclusively with the morbidly obese, they will like anything that can suppress their feelings...

Kanye West gets a shot to the (massive) ego...

2009-04-23T14:25:00.004-06:00

The guys who make South Park clearly don't give a fuck, they will light up anybody at anytime and obviously don't care about what anyone thinks...and to us that is RAL. In this clip they go after the egomaniac that is Kanye West, claiming that he is a 'Gay Fish' after a joke that was mentioned on the show. I think they are just trying to get across that Kanye is gay, but creatively like the guy who wrote "Scale Bustin Babes 18"...and I know what you're thinking, but look me in the eye and tell me that film's plot of heavier set girls trying to get plugged wasn't just ostensive and that it wasn't really about the reunification of Germany...you can't do it, you just can't....anyway he's that clip I was talking about earlier

The Skinny on Macedonia

2009-04-23T13:05:00.006-06:00

19 year old Aussie Stephanie Naumoska is vying for Miss Universe and got some people riled up about her vital statistics: "1.8 m (5 ft 11 in) tall and weigh[ing] just 49 kg (108 lbs), had a body mass index of just 15.1, well under the official 18 benchmark for malnutrition." The Pageant director Deborah Miller said brunette Naumoska had Macedonian heritage, which accounted for her extreme thinness. "They have long, lithe bodies and small bones. It is their body type, just like Asian girls tend to be small," Miller said. Does Macedonia exist? Is that a magical kingdom where hot skinny little brunettes run around with lithe bodies? What is lithe? Is that word only uttered in Macedonia? Where am I? Cheers to Miss Surrey 08 for keeping it RAL and knowing her way around a ham... and a hog....

Ghostface Killah sets bar for RAL

2009-04-23T12:37:00.005-06:00

Let's just start by confirming, that that is, indeed, a gold eagle perched on his wrist in the form of the world's most ballin' bracelet. I mistook his neck bling (hanging down on lap) for an Arabian dinner plate, but you can clearly see it swinging in Killah's various music videos, proving that it is overwhelmingly large and carries some weight as well... the kicker? His real name is Dennis Coles. But going by Dennis doesn't get you into the Wu Tang Clan, all the hoes you can wear out, gold eagles perched on your wrist and the ability to write lines like "The Rhinestones in my Flintstones look crazy in my sweater"...Ghostface Killah does and as you can see it's good to be Ghostface

If I do another album, i could have TWO fucking eagles...one for my cock!

Oh and it also gets you a deal with Mattel...yeah that's his doll and even at 1/16th the size, his bling is still bigger then yours

Part Barbie, part Hef, part cocaine, all Killah

I'm FAMOUS!

2009-04-23T11:41:00.004-06:00

Finally I've made it big, I downloaded this app for my iphone called 'Awesome Facts 2009' and one comes across the screen that reads "The smallest penis ever recorded is 5/8 of an inch"...I don't mean to brag or anything, but that quote right there is about yours truly...so here's to all those haters out there who voted me "least likely to succeed," first I made that list of sexual predators in my area and now this...you can argue with results fuckers

You think he's in the lollipop guild?

Vanessa Hudgens' Legs KEEPSITRAL

2009-04-23T09:49:00.003-06:00

You know any hot 20 year olds that go to the local supermarket with nothing visible but a shirt and some high-heeled sandals? IKIR gives a nod to Vanessa Hudgens (and her legs), a chick that has the braun to put up with fellow High School Musical star (read: huge pillow-biter), Zac Efron... the two even dated for a bit (nonRAL) but just put that out of your mind. If you didn't know, she got in a little trouble with Disney at the tender age of 18: "On September 6, 2007, controversy erupted after provocative photos of Hudgens surfaced online. Two showed her posing in suggestive lingerie, and another showed her nude"... they didn't mention that she was just out to pick up some eggs and flour.

- 2008 - ranked as FHM's 62nd Sexiest Woman
- 2008 - Maxim's number 12 in their 100 Hot List
- 2008 - People's annual "100 Most Beautiful People" list in
- 2008- ranked #20 in the list of Forbes "High Earners Under 30"
- 2009 - ranked #61 in AskMen.com's Top 99 Women

Hey look a Guyborg, he must get boyband ass

2009-04-22T16:39:00.007-06:00

Nothing says Sexual dynamo like having a fake eye that references an early 90's sci-fi flick...nothing...Ladies if you saw this guy at the bar, how could you even think about containing yourself? If I saw him I doubt I could myself back, I mean an eye like the cyborg in T2? So hot... T2 eye Guy : My eye can glow red, what can yours do?

Other guy: The simple task known as vision...

T2 eye Guy: I'll be back

Other Guy: good one

Best part is in the article it states that he wants a camera in there...so then he'll be unbelievable hot and practical, being able to make sex tapes at any moment of the day, he's the perfect man really...my question is why stop at the eye? Why not stick one of those glowing red balls in your genitals? It might look like a really active herpe, but it can't look any worse then the one acting as a fixture on his face

nonRAL of the week - these two fucking losers

2009-04-22T16:27:00.003-06:00

This is embarrassing for human kind, two men (read: men, not 12 year old girls) broke the all time texting record, combining for 217 000 sent texts in a month…they did a test to see that they could send 6000 or 7000 texts on a good day, which must have been difficult seeing as they must spend a lot of time D&Ding and in each others asses, and tried to send as many texts as possible…

You're right, this IS just like docking...

I am a texter, mainly because I am essentially a telemarketer during the day and when I write something I have time to prepare quips, but this is sad...I could see if they broke the record while trying to work that effortless late night booty call, with texts like "You like to party?" at 4 am to every girl on your list...but it was stated in the article that most texts were "lol" and "hi" to each other, which qualifies these guys as nonRAL of the week and for a nonRAL of the year nomination

Even the titties come up hard in Detroit...

2009-04-22T14:16:00.002-06:00

Detroit is the RALest city on the planet, no one there is employed, it's the per capita murder capital of North America and one of the world's fattest cities...it's so RAL in fact that even women’s breastesses can deflect bullets...

OK fine, Germany keeps it RAL (to a lesser extent) as well

"The woman, who lives on the West side of Detroit, saw a group of men breaking into a neighbor’s house on Tuesday morning. When the men spotted her, one of them fired a shot at her...The bullet struck the underwire on the woman's bra and that saved her from a more serious injury, police said."

I've never worn a bra or anything like that, ok one time, so I have to wonder what is the underwire made of? Lead? Recycled GM cars? No wonder breasts can lead to back problems...I was always under the opinion that the girls I was feeling up were just in really great shape and I never fully understood the bag of sand reference in 40 year old virgin, but now it appears they have been duping me for years (since age 4 so 19 to be exact) stuffing their bras with materials that can stop bullets...liars....and I like how the instant reaction to seeing someone witness you performing a robbery is to open fire on them, way to turn a larceny charge into attempted murder...

Natinal pride...

2009-04-22T09:05:00.009-06:00

As you can probably tell from reading this site, I'm not going to be participating in any spelling bees anytime soon, but me misspelling penile jokes pales in comparison to what the Washington Nationals jersey manufacturers did just the other night...

I swear there is an 'O' in Nationals somewhere...I've seen players names misspelled before, but that's only one jersey, not 30...I can't believe no one noticed this, but I guess that's the byproduct of having your jerseys made in a country where they speak 'engrish'

Also I thought this would be a rare occurrence, but apparently it is not:

A lesser man woul have made a hooked on phonics reference here

Scientists ruin everything....

2009-04-20T12:43:00.003-06:00

So some wiseass scientists at the University of Leicester decided to do a test to see if 'Beer Goggles' is a viable excuse for going 'Whale Hunting' and your friends conducting a 'fat dance' (you know the one where you stick your arms out as wide as possible, puff out your cheeks and and slowly rock back from one foot to another) until the novelty wears off...Apparently alcohol also doesn't affect our ability to judge a woman's age or, according to this study, how hot they are, as the test subjects were given pictures before and after getting drunk and rated the girls less attractive after downing a few...So all those times you've found yourself saying "I thought she was 18" and (while wasted) "I think you're beautiful..." are lies and you knew the whole time....pervert

Blame it on the Grim...it's your only hope to end the lifetime fat dance chirp

I personally find this report devastating, like Jamie Foxx, I could always blame it on the liquor when I woke up next to girl and had to offer her bus money to leave, you know before the roommates woke up...but now I realize I knew the whole time so I will take this time to apologize to the following ladies:

Monique, Kim, Kathy, Geraldine, Svetlana, Angelika, Shaniqua, Kim, Glenn, Lisa, Whitney, Kathryn, Kiera, Lana, Sherry, Leslie, Tina, Sheryl, Monica, Allison, Megan, Shelia...it turns out I knew what you looked/felt like all along and I apologize for being so shocked/terrified/disgusted when I woke up and should've never ran away crying/threw up/told you I was gay/told you I was a woman/kissed that guy to prove I was gay/said I thought you were a prostitute/told you I was blind the next morning pretending I was too drunk to know what occured the evening before...

No Jamie...it seems you can't

Detroit Lions have figured it out...

2009-04-20T12:17:00.005-06:00

The Detroit Lions shocked the world with their futility last year, becoming the first team in the history of the NFL to go 0-16...yes you read that correctly they won 0% of their games and got blown out in most of them, so what did they do to combat last season and right the ship if you will? Sign a high profile free agent? Make a blockbuster trade to acquire some pieces to move forward? Nah...that would make sense, rather they changed their logo to make it look more fierce...because all Championship teams know that the logo is really the key to success, not all that on the field bullshit like talent and putting forth a strong effort every week...

So here's to the Lions going 0-16 next year as well, then they'll realize what they really need to change, their team colors and name...then nothing will be stopping them from a Superbowl in 2011

Eds Note: Here are a short list of teams that need to follow in the footsteps of these pioneers of success to get things back on track...

Detroit Red Wings - Tire logo? Are you kidding me, don't they know the Big 3 are going to fold? Those 4 cups in the past 12 years were a fluke, they need like a totally more badass tire with wider treds or some shit...then they'll go 12 for 12

New England Patriots - The mildly pissed off face of a 'Patriot'? What type of logo is that? The Patriot should be so fucking mad that anyone who looks at him shits himself, instantly...then maybe Tom Brady would've never gotten hit or Eli would've collapsed in fear opposed to breaking that sack and fucking up their perfect season.

Boston Red Sox - Two dangly little socks? How does that strike fear into the hearts of anyone? And 'Sox' is spelt 'Socks', illiteracy isn't acceptable in a college town that thinks so highly of themselves. They should have fucking knee high socks with beady eyes...then it's no-no's for each pitcher everynight...

San Antonio Spurs - Really a Spur? That's it? Why not have a bleeding horse from being spurred? Most NBA players don't know what a Spur is anyway, as there are no horses in Compton, so just show what a Spur does and then it's 5 Larry O'Briens in 5 years...

"Thriller" Indian style

2009-04-19T21:15:00.003-06:00

Sometime this week we will doing a feature on music videos, what's good about them and what's bad about them kind of thing, but until then I will leave you with this gem from Bollywood...Slumdog Millionaire might have done wonders for making movies made in India viable, but I'm assuming that if this video was introduced in the 80's it would have done much, much more

And the following write-up is copied directly from www.cracked.com (A very RAL site) as I felt it was perfect, nothing I could do would be any better...

Pros: The singer is clearly a sex symbol is his own land, and gives hope to paunchy, jheri-curled men everywhere. Also, the video's a harsh reminder of everything that was good and bad about LSD.

Cons: There is only one person in the world who can dance like Michael Jackson without looking like a seizure victim. We'll give you a hint: It's not this guy. Also, we're not afraid to say it: All the zombies from the third row on back are pretty much just phoning it in here.

Highlight: Around 2:47 he breaks into a horrific leg-locked dance-walk with a hideous twitch:

When he first twitches, you think something's gone horribly wrong with his nervous system, but then he does it a couple of more times and you realize he's doing it on purpose.

Conclusion: A pleasantly zaftig imitator makes up for his paunch by bringing the whole affair in at a svelte three and a half minutes.

Casino Queen submission from Matt D.

2009-04-19T20:28:00.006-06:00

I got a text during the Canucks game informing me that there were advertisements featured at both ends of the ice in the St. Louis Blues arena for or Casino Queen: Home of the loosest Slots. This is probably the best casino advertisement off all time as it can attract both players and non players alike. The players will like the increased chance of winning, while the non players might get confused and think that the Casino is soliciting some sort of prostitute, and an easy one at that! I personally prefer slots that are on the tighter side, but if I've had a few drinks I stick my quarters in just about anything...

Ejaculating

And upon further review of this Casino it seems that they also have an RV lot...you know you have a problem when you don't want to stay at a hotel-casino, but you'd rather drive to it and sleep in your motor home....

Hey Brandine, i caught a skunk for lunch

I've had it with these Motherfucking Snakes...

2009-04-17T16:10:00.003-06:00

I can't believe I almost missed this one, apparently a Quantas flight (great airline by the way, particulairly when you get wasted in LA and have to board an 18 hour flight to New Zealand, they take good care of you...) had to do an emergency landing because some snakes got loose in the cargo hold, just like that Samuel L. Jackson movie...you know the one where he says 'Motherfucker' all the time...Loaded Weapon

They always put so much ice in these drinks

"Twelve baby pythons were packed on the Boeing 737-800 in the outback town on Tuesday, but when it arrived in Australia's second biggest city there were only eight"

However it wasn't mentioned in the article as to whether or not how many snakes and people were killed during the flight or how many tiny dogs were thrown to Anacondas, but I hope it was some as it would be the perfect instance of life imitating art...or in this case life imitating an absolute masterpiece

There is a god...

2009-04-17T15:30:00.003-06:00

I'm not what you call the religious type, I once asked who the guy on the 't' was in a religious school, but this new establishment in London is doing it's best to convert me into a believer. Apparently it vaporizes gin, one of three things I drink including Grim and a drop shot I created once that gets you drunk for three days, and you pay $7/hr to just sit there, breathe normally and get fucked up...also the body condoms in the picture are included in the Sev buck, so you get a fashionable garment as well...

If there was a sports book inside, this would be my heaven

It wasn't stated in the article on how much more effective vaporized Gin is in making panties drop, but considering what drinking in a bathtub alone does to you, I'm going to assume it's alot...and on that note this place will be crawling with perverts in no time! I should book my flight, I'll fit right in!

Almost had it...

2009-04-16T17:19:00.000-06:00

Roger Millions is the Flames color guy who often interviews players during intermission and pre and post game. He is also the most biased Flames fan of all time and apparently keeps it very RAL

Go Flames Go...

2009-04-16T13:32:00.001-06:00

We here at IKIR like the Calgary Flames, and with their playoff series starting tonight you will surely be hearing about them every other day, if you don't like it then let us hear about it in the comments section and if you do then let those who don't hear about it in the comments section, and enjoy this bit of nostalgia in the meantime...

I got my hash pipe...

2009-04-16T12:43:00.003-06:00

Having watched Blow last weekend, I think I know a thing or two about drug trafficking, namely that it's rather easy and can be somewhat of a fun game testing just how many condoms full of coke one can shove into their anus...but there are still people out there who manage to screw it up, like these two guys in Spain who got pinched for mailing Hash to the wrong address...

We should check the box for hash...and sign for the delivery as well

Now I'm no Pablo Escobar, but if I'm mailing something important I check the address at least twice and if I'm mailing drugs I'd probably check three times...it seems that the package also included "wine, sausages and cakes in addition to the hashish, police said in a statement." so obviously it was meant as the after dinner entertainment for whoever they were sending it to and because it was 21 ounces I am also going to assume that it was a fucking great dinner party

God Bless the Stanley Cup Playoffs

2009-04-16T12:25:00.003-06:00

This post is about the Philadelphia Flyers "secret weapon", Kate Smith. How RAL is a team that becomes known as the Broadstreet Bullies and have a singer that is dragged out on the ice to sing and them to a 76-20-4 record with "America's second anthem".

When the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team played her rendition of "God Bless America" before the game on December 11, 1969, an unusual part of her career began. The team began to play the song before home games every once in a while, and the perception was the team was more successful on these occasions, so the tradition grew. She made a surprise appearance at the Flyers' home opener to perform the song in person prior to another game against the Toronto Maple Leafs on October 11, 1973, and received a tremendous reception. The Flyers won that game by a 2-0 score. She again performed the song at the Spectrum in front of a capacity crowd of 17,007 excited fans before Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals on May 19, 1974, at which the Flyers clinched their first of two back-to-back Stanley Cups, winning that playoff series against the Boston Bruins 4 games to 2, with Bernie Parent shutting the Bruins out 1-0 in that game. Smith also performed live at these Flyers home games: May 13, 1975, where the Flyers beat the New York Islanders by a score of 4-1 to win Game 7 of the Stanley Cup semi-finals, and on May 16, 1976, before Game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals where the Flyers lost to the Montreal Canadiens by a score of 5-3 and were swept by Les Canadiens in that series. The Flyers' record when "God Bless America" is played or sung in person stands at a remarkable 76 wins, 20 losses, and 4 ties.

Little did Philly fans, or most people in general know (to the best of my knowledge, I wasn't around in the 70's) that she also had a little gem of a song called That's Why Darkies Were Born (America's third anthem?)... now we would jump all over this as racism (nonRAL) but when you actually read the lyrics, it seems like Smith is touting the black American as an hard-working unsung heroes, at least that's how we'll interpret it.

Man bites python - real story not just Gay porn title

2009-04-15T12:37:00.001-06:00

So this guy in Kenya (Not pictured) did a little role reversal the other day and bit the Python that was squeezing him, potentially to death...the snake hauled Farm manager Ben Nyaumbe into a tree, where he struggled with it for hours trying to get free, and he had no choice but to bite it. Upon biting it the snake loosened his grip enough that Ben could make a phone call for help. (Really they have cell phones in Kenya?) Either way, for not just succumbing to a painful death this guy keeps it RAL

This story is quite similar to a little game I like to play called "I slip you a roofie and three hours later the only option you have for escape is to bite the python (or two) that is engulfing you"...what can I say I like boardgames...

This guy was never taught that it isn't polite to use your teeth

It was also mentioned in the article that later "The snake escaped from the three sacks it was bundled into." This is also part of the aforementioned game, except substitute 'snake' with 'cum'

The Juice and Hulkimania...I smell a sitcom

2009-04-15T12:18:00.002-06:00

Previously on this site we explained that Hulk Hogan and his family's situation was potentially incestuous and very odd...two things that classify as nonRAL. But Hulkimania running wild has done gone and redeemed himself, with this quote about his ex wife's current sexual situation, involving a 19 year old that looks like her son:

I would like to call to the stand a character witness...HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN!

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat," he told the magazine. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

I'm going to do this to your throat with these 24 inch pythons, you stupid bitch....

YES! This is the first time someone has had the cojones (read:Testicles) to agree with OJ and promote cold blooded murder of an ex spouse...not only is the guy a Real American but now he is RAL as well

Potential RALest movie....all time

2009-04-15T09:39:00.006-06:00

Combined 400 lbs, 1% body fat and 2 inch Johnsons'...

Check this cast list for the movie coming out in 2010 The Expendables…I can guarantee that the plot doesn’t make any sense and the acting will be just slightly better then that featured in a high school adaptation of Legally Blonde: The musical (It’s real I came across it when I was searching for barely legal, blonde and bald) but who cares? With action juggernauts like Statham and Jet Li, former UFC Champion and WWE Champions, a guy who played Marv and the bad guy in Double Team and TWO steroid users (Schwarzenegger and Stallone) you know you’re going to see a lot of explosions, diving into water, shirts optional, veins, throats being ripped out, children being tossed into fires, a very very high body count and tons of blood…all which happen to be very RAL

Cast

Jason Statham --- Lee Christmas

Mickey Rourke --- Emanuel

Sylvester Stallone --- Barney Ross

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Brittany Murphy

Charisma Carpenter

Jet Li --- Bao

Dolph Lundgren --- Gunnar Jensen

Danny Trejo

Terry Crews --- Agent Will Sands (rumored)

Eric Roberts --- Monroe

Steve Austin --- Dan Paine

Randy Couture --- Hale Caesar

I’m no too sure about the characters names though Lee Christmas, Barney Ross, Hale Ceasar, Dan Paine….who the fuck came up with those? Guys who name wrestling characters? Or action hero’s in the 80’s? They nailed Dolph Lungren's name with 'Gunnar' and Jet Li's as well with the ever so racial Boa, but other then that they are nonRAL. Where are the good old days when action heroes were named John with an unreal last name like John Rambo, John McClain, John Spartan and John Matrix or something Italian like Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti, Joe Tanto, Machine Gun Joe Viterbo? Not named after Purple children’s characters and holidays jewish people can’t celebrate….

See I told you there would be veins!

Bellows isn't liked by these fellows...

2009-04-14T12:42:00.002-06:00

Sorry, that's a terrible title. But it's that time of the year again where all of us north of the border tune into the Stanley Cup Playoffs and get our fill of hockey that is laden with fuller beards, unlikely heroes, checking, grinding, shot-blocking, but most importantly an increase in heckling. This clip takes us back to 1991 where the Penguins faced off against the North Stars for the cup that year, rough transcript provided below for your added pleasure. What happened to these characters you ask? Stevens drank from Lord Stanley's Cup and then as Time.com reports...

"On Jan. 22, 2000, his career sank to uncommon depths. After a game in St. Louis, police found Stevens in a seedy motel with a prostitute, her pimp, a bottle of Crown Royal, drug paraphernalia and the remnants of an eight-ball of crack. While his arrest was carried off without incident, the then New York Ranger didn't endear himself to his female companion. "I'm a crackhead, but he's a crack monster," the prostitute told police, complaining that she "couldn't get high, I was having to light his pipe so many times."

Stevens: Get off the fucking ice you faggot
Stevens: Bellows you must be really hurt
Stevens: Get off the ice
Stevens: Get off the ice you pussy(ref skates by indicating Stevens and Trottier need to calm down)
Trottier: You’re the best, you’re the fucking best
Stevens: Lay on the ice like a bitch
Trottier: You’re the fucking best, you’re a fucking superstar
Stevens: You lay on the ice…(leans closer to bellows)…lay on the ice like a broad you pussy, (Trottier in background repeatedly saying “Bellows you’re the fucking best)(Bellows flexes stick uncomfortably)
Trottier: You fuckin woman
Stevens: You’re a little fucking puke
Trottier: You got some fucking balls you little tit fucker

Pinkos get Drunko in Red Square

2009-04-14T12:22:00.000-06:00

Commies are funny people, North Americans don't know much about them, other than the fact that they drink, where they live is often freezing cold, they wear funny mink hats, they fold in the playoffs and thanks to the education of Top Gun, we used to be at war with them. But apparently they know how to party as well..."Three off-duty Russian policemen were fired on Monday for driving drunk through Moscow's Red Square in the early hours of the morning, dressed in their police uniforms."

Artist's depiction of Red Square at time of arrest...

If I was going to drive around drunk in one of the most famous tourist sites in the world, I probably wouldn't rock my police uniform, or if I had to I would at least make up some story about chasing a perogie thief through the quad and into the gymnasium and then into Red Square, but fuck it to each their own. These guys obviously keep it RAL putting their careers at risk just to get drunk and drive around, but it shouldn't be viewed as uncommon as demographers "Russians are some of the world's heaviest drinkers (RAL)...often cite high alcohol consumption as a factor in the low life expectancy of Russian men." (Ed's not: Demographers life expectancy can't be the highest either with the lack of sex and fun and all)

We keepsit(too)RAL for Google Ads...

2009-04-13T13:03:00.004-06:00

As you might have noticed the advertisements on this site have recently changed, they aren't nearly as subtle and are no longer exclusive to 'Hip Hop Grillz' and Jewelery, but now feature full page ads about casino sites and some kind of online gaming community...and of course there is a reason behind this...

It's funny, only pictures of handlebar mustaches and fellatio come up in this search engine

It seems that we were clicking on our own ads, when we signed a contractual agreement not to, but we were doing it to line our pockets and didn't care about the consequences (ie: keeping it RAL)...so google cut as off and now we are banned from their advertisements for life...

So add google ads to the list of shit we can't be a part of, along with Urban Dictionary, for doing what we do

But elbow in the groin had an elbow in the groin....nonRAL

2009-04-13T12:28:00.003-06:00

Getting hit in the crotch is one of the worst pains in the world, when it happens time slows to a stand still, you can’t see clearly and even though you want to start right hooking everything in sight, you can’t even get the power to stand to do so…With that in mind it should be noted that no man should ever do what Ray Allen does in this clip, he once played a guy named Jesus in ‘He got game’, but now I think he’d be more suited to play a guy named cocksucker…

It should be noted that Anderson Varejeo must have testicles of steel, or the world’s smallest Johnson to not even flinch after the hit...and that he is nonRAL for just holding his arms in air opposed to ACHUCKALUKAN’ing (See Raltionary for definition) Allen…

see Crotch shots can be FUN!

Couple multitask to perfection…get driving ban as a result

2009-04-13T12:16:00.004-06:00

Have you ever been driving with your significant other, or some prosi you just picked up after minutes of negotiation for you ugly people out there, and thought ‘This driving gig is fun and all, but it would be that much better if I was having sex right now’? Well this couple was thinking that as well and chose to act on that thought...while going 30 kms over the speed limit…RAL

It seems that they only got caught because the car “…was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say (Having rough sex for those who don’t follow)"

Are those two having sex? We should get closer to watch...I mean...oh I don't care I'm so alone

And figured it was veering only because "He couldn't see much because her back was in the way” If this guy pulled anal while driving, he deserves an award…

"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know." I have an educated guess, because sex feels good, speeding feels even better and breaking the law is such a fucking rush it makes me want to put a lit cigarette out on my thigh, so combine all of those factors and we should be asking why more people aren’t doing this all the time…

And finally it was noted that “After following the couple for nearly a kilometer, officers pulled the car over at a service station.” Who is this guy Ron Jeremy? A km while traveling at 133km/hr, that’s about 2.2 km per minute, so he was having sex for 30 seconds…I feel sorry for the woman, she must have been sore…

Is that Carrot Top?

2009-04-09T19:34:00.005-06:00

So I stumbled across these pictures while surfing the net today and I wasn't sure as to whether I should be aroused, or disgusted that I just became sexually attracted to the female version of Carrot Top...

Ok so like, I didn't even know, it was so crazy, I like saw this guy that I used to date and like I couldn't believe that he didn't even recognize me, all because I like got a new nose and am totally in shape now and everything, and I'm also dating the Apple guy, or I was at least, I think I still am, and like can you even believe it? I mean look at these abs, I'm almost 50....

I think we can all agree that Kathy Griffin is yolked (in good shape for those of you who don't speak Gym), and if you took away her head/voice you would have one of the hottest 49 year olds on the planet...but then there's still the uncanny resemblance to this:

Bro, man have you seen these lats?

Something in the air....

2009-04-09T18:40:00.005-06:00

So let's say you're sitting with four or five friends and one of them let's one go, it's common practice and often quite funny, but the reception all depends on who you are with. There are 3 schools of thought on how to react in this scenario:

1) Laughter with slight disgust - this usually features one covering their nose with their hand, or shirt pulled up or getting up and running away, but it is all in good fun, no one is really hurt and the one who dealt it is proud that he cleared a room.

2) Complete disgust - this is highlighted by hatred for the guilty culprit, usually results in some sort of physical abuse and puts a weird tension in the air for the remainder of the evening...or it could just be the stench...

3) Embrace - This one can fall into the funny and/or creepy category where one guy really enjoys the smell that has filled the room...it can usually bond or alienate a friendship, but hey some guys just like the smell of shikesta....

Who doesn't? Am I right?

Anyway I was going somewhere with this preamble...oh yeah, this guy in Texas did what I described above in a motel room and ended up upsetting his friend and getting stabbed for his trouble.

It seems that "One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest." So I think that guy would fall under the complete disgust school of thought....can you imagine that scene?

Guy 1: Oh my god, who shit their pants?
Guy 2: *Laughing Guiltily*
Guy 3: You're sick man, that's terrible (While running away)

Guy 4: Wow that's dense...(sitting there and taking it all in)
Guy 5: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, SO HELP ME GOD YOU SICK FUCKING ASSHOLE!@!@! (Followed by him throwing a knife at the one who dealt it and followed that by stabbing him)
Guy 1: woah dude....too far

Best Idea in the history of humankind...

2009-04-09T18:21:00.003-06:00

I'm sure most of you out there have thought of some crazy get rich quick schemes throughout your lives, including the usual suspects like driving to the US and selling your blood and seamen, holding up an old folks home or child trafficking...but these two women took it to a whole other level.

"Two women have been charged with staging sham funerals to collect life insurance payments and other money totaling an estimated $1 million."

Yeah that was my 3rd husband, Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo...where's my money?!? JAKE!

I've often considered staging a fake wedding to get the gifts, but this is far more RAL then that...These women came up with fake names and bribe their way to actually having fake funerals and doing this such as weighing down the coffin so it felt like a real body. They also forged death certificates and bought plots of land to bury empty coffins in...and all for the insurance money...and possibly the best part of this whole story is that the two women, Faye Schilling and Jean Crump, were 60 and 66 respectively....they could be Grandmas and they are out being master criminals raping the insurance companies of nearly one mil....so it's clear that these two know what it means to keepitRAL

Father of the year

2009-04-08T18:55:00.005-06:00

So here’s a guy who knows where his priorities lie…on the Casino floor…this Cadillac of men felt it was a good idea to go to Frank Sisson’s and get his gambling fix Sunday night, which we’ve all done, or maybe just me but fuck you for judging alright….anyway while he was gambling, he happened to have his 21 month old child locked in his car. Oh and if that wasn’t enough it also happened to be sub-zero outside at the time and the infant wasn’t wearing socks or shoes, and the “windows [were] covered with blankets” to conceal the child inside, also, and this is the best part, the child had thrown up on himself…

“Police said they responded to a call to the Silver Dollar Casino just after midnight Monday morning after a patron noticed a child crying in a car. Officers said they arrived to find the car, windows covered with blankets with a toddler inside.”

I'm all in, oh and the kids all in too....the car that is

So as disgusting as this story is, it seems that it isn’t the first time it’s occurred…in Calgary, I can only imagine the shit that happens in Vegas and Atlantic City that baby probably would’ve been sold for chips…

“A case where a toddler was left in his car seat in a locked car for six hours in sub-zero temperatures Sunday night while his father was inside a casino is disturbing but, sadly, not that rare, police say.”

Fortunately the guy was arrested and the child was taken to protective services…lets hope that this guy doesn’t have any other kids and is sterile from the neon lights so he doesn’t get a chance to abandon any more.

Would the real Slim Shady please stand up?

2009-04-08T12:35:00.005-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=padqQFqEGdU&feature=related (nonRAL, Slim won't let us embed this vid so have to clink this dirty link 1999 style, so back when he was popular)

Seriously, what the fuck happened to Eminem? Did I just grow up and realize his angle has worn thin, or has he just stopped caring? He’s the musical equivalent of The Onion, making fun of things that aren’t really relevant, to appeal to 14 year olds. And why does he always rap in that Triumph the insult comic dog voice now? Does anyone care that his album is coming out? He used to be edgy and make music that shocked and impressed people simultaneously, but as music changed, he didn’t feel he had to so now he relies on poop jokes and mocking a 5 year old Jessica Simpson video. Also he makes fun of Bret Michaels in this vid, why? Is this ’88? Do you even have to? The guy hasn’t done anything decent in two decades and now he is just a bald and fat pedophile on TV…well I guess that hasn’t changed since ’88…

Is that Alf!? And what's on his t-shirt?

I think the icing on the cake in the whole video is the ‘Rain Man’ reference, I bet most of you didn’t even get it, but he’s supposed to be Dustin Hoffman’s mentally challenged character with Dr. Dre assuming the role of Tom Cruise when they are at the poker table (hint: different tans). How did that come up when brainstorming for this video? Hey you know what movie won an Oscar 21 years ago? Rain man! You know the one about the slow guy who could count really good, let’s mock that one, half of my fan base was over 5 when that came out and it was totally street back then, I mean the way he said definitely in that movie, MADE me want to become a gangsta and push drugs...and he isn’t even blonde anymore, that’s worse then P!nk not having pink hair, although in her defense she always has some pink in her…So Eminem for fucking up having the greatest producer on the planet and jaking every song you make you are nonRAL

kind of RAL - lady turns 115, surprisingly doesn't turn into dust...

2009-04-07T22:46:00.004-06:00

Now you might be thinking, what makes a 115 year old woman RAL, and on most days I would have to agree with you, but I got to thinking about this particular woman and decided that because she has seen more RAL shit then anyone else on the planet, she deserves to be on this site. She's lived through both World Wars, the invention of the car, the invention of the snuff flick, almost every single sports trophy ceremony of all time, saw people get high off toads, cocaine and glue, the popularization of Miley Cyrus....you know all the important things that one would read about in a textbook or on Wikipedia....

115? she doesn't look a day over 91....I'd still hit it

Gertrude Baines was born in 1894 in and attributes her longevity to the Lord, that she never did drink, she never did smoke and she never did fool around....well after reading that it seems that she doesn't keep it RAL at all, she does the complete opposite in fact, and also should be noted that I'm fucked and am going to die in 6 months if this is what keeps you alive...but let it be known that I will take a few of you with me....but for living through all of that and not having the eurge to kill herself 30 years ago after seeing what society has become I'll give her kind of RAL status...

No "Jack" in this Box, just a hot, slutty Cameron

2009-04-07T13:26:00.000-06:00

And so it’s happened Cameron Diaz has finally broken down and decided to do porn (!), I’m starting to regain my faith in humanity, after losing it a mere 48 hours ago (4 Fast 4 Furious)…Well at least I think it’s a porno, it’s called “The Box”, so it has to be right? Don’t say that it isn’t, I need this….

The sequel is to be filmed in Paris and the working title is Le Bin

“You are the experiment” isn’t the hottest porno tag line however, maybe she has some sort of different box that the average male isn’t familiar with and once inside it becomes an experiment as to how they react? That doesn’t really have me that excited either…maybe Cameron Diaz just should just stick to regular girl on girl porn and stay away from this weird fetish porn that she has seemed to venture into…I should be an agent, or a minotaur.

Ovie Keeps it Ral: from Will G.

2009-04-07T12:58:00.000-06:00

A.O. and Mike Green playing Russian Roulette with a garage door to a house beat and the lyrics "your live's in danger"-- doesn't get any better than this. This bravery shows us more than ever why Ovechkin is going to win the Rocket Richard trophy yet again... but not necessarily why Greener should win the Norris... was he ducking off the side like a little bitch there while the emotional core of the Capitals was doing a slight neck crane to avoid decapitation? Nonetheless, the Caps keep it Ral.